Betrayed by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast

Week 21‘s book is the polar opposite of 20′s. Really. I went from one of the best books I’ve ever read to one of the worst. Of course, this means I got to have fun while still giddy from reading something brilliant. It only makes this book pale even more… there’s no image this week – I’m with my parents and it makes photographs harder to do. When I get home, I’ll insert photos to posts that have odd fonts or the likes.

[NO PICTURE YET]

Title: Forrådt – Nattens hus #2
By: P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Pages: 305
Published by Tellerup, 2010
First published 2007

Fledgling vampyre Zoey Redbird has managed to settle in at the House of Night.  She’s come to terms with the vast powers the vampyre goddess, Nyx, has given her, and is getting a handle on being the new Leader of the Dark Daughters. Best of all, Zoey finally feels like she belongs–like she really fits in. She actually has a boyfriend…or two. Then the unthinkable happens: Human teenagers are being killed, and all the evidence points to the House of Night. While danger stalks the humans from Zoey’s old life, she begins to realize that the very powers that make her so unique might also threaten those she loves. Then, when she needs her new friends the most, death strikes the House of Night, and Zoey must find the courage to face a betrayal that could break her heart, her soul, and jeopardize the very fabric of her world.

***

Rating on Goodreads:  (didn’t like it)

First things first (unrelated to the book): I’m thinking about dividing my reviews differently – I’m going to look at plot, setting, and characters and together they’ll say how well the book and the writing works to me. I think this makes more sense than the old format (writing, characters, plot). So, let’s just have a stab at this. Literally. Let’s stab the book.

No, I’m kidding. I’d never stab a book. Regardless of how bad it is, regardless of the pain it inflicts on me as I continually bang my head on whatever object is nearby while reading (I’ve learned not to read next to sharp objects and fire, so that leaves just the walls). No, I’m not a fan of violating books and neither should you be. No, you shouldn’t burn Twilight or Marked or even this book. It’s a waste of fun. Read them. Read them and weep and laugh and write stupid reviews like this if you’re a bitch like me.

I sure as frick is a bitch like me and I feel like it’s with good reason. I mean, holy mahogany – I didn’t expect this to better than the first, hardly, but worse? How Casts? How do you do it? I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but the Casts … they just aren’t. Even Stephenie Meyer can put together a sentence that works. Even she managed to create characters that even the haters enjoyed. Even Tommy Wiseau manages to get out of bed and make someone laugh. Even I manage to shake hands with a stranger while I’d rather huddle up in a corner with a bad book. So, how is it possible that this is even worse than the first?

This… this isn’t even funny. It’s depressing. Say I present to you a book about a character. She is well loved by everybody, but in secret she likes to drink blood and she is cheating on her boyfriend with two different guys. If you were presuming I’m presenting an anti-hero you’d be wrong. She’s the straight up hero. I’m supposed to sympathise with this piece of… bad character. I’m supposed to root for her. I’d rather root for Scarlett O’Hara and she’s supposed to be a bitch. I’d rather root for an eggplant in a cape and goggles… actually, Eggplant Man has merit as a superhero. Zoey Redbird has nothing. Friggin’ NOTHING.

Right, I’m getting ahead of myself here – I didn’t bash the world building too thoroughly for the first book, so let me do it this time around: it’s stupid. The only real thought the Casts have given the world building for this series is ‘it’s like the real world, but with vampires!’ Oh, I’m sorry – vampyres. The only good thing about reading the (still) awful Danish translation is the fact that I avoid looking at that.
Point is – there’s not really any kind of world building. What little there is, is confusing and inconsistent. The best writers and poets and so forth are vampyres in this world (*shudder* oh my god, can I just not use that word? It’s grating) and some people don’t like them and stuff because they… drink blood. Though, not really, they have blood banks and stuff so they don’t have to drink blood from humans and some religious nuts don’t like them and they have power over the four elements (whut?) and I’m sure there’s no consistency whatsoever in this universe. It’s all off-hand remarks about the world when they feel like it fits in: ‘so I ran oh, and by the way, vampyres run really, really fast so I ran very fast’ well thank you, but maybe you should’ve mentioned this before? Asspull much? Also, the religious people are needlessly offensive. Not all religious people are crazy and all OMG VAMPYRES ARE EVUL AND EVEWYFING IS BAD UNLESS IT’S SUMFIN’ TO DO WIF GOD. I’m not religious myself, but I feel insulted by the way religion is portrayed in this. It’s rude and unnecessary because it adds nothing to the story except more reasons for POOR ZOEY to angst a lot. Barf.

But pretty much the biggest bummer of all this hailstorm of suck is the fact that I cannot, even for a second, be allowed to forget how AMAYYYZING AND SPECHUL Zoey Redbird is. All she does is complain that she’s not normal – BOOHOO YOU SPECHUL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE – and her friends keep telling her how speschul she is and when her friends aren’t telling her how spechul she is, everyone else is. Except for the EVUL people – they don’t like her. Guess I’m evil. Fancy that.
Look, I don’t mind chosen ones. They can actually work – Harry Potter works, and there are lots of other examples (can’t think of any but shut up, there are lots), but they don’t, don’t, DON’T work when all the world revolves around them. Nothing in this book happens that doesn’t have something to do with Zoey. Nothing at all. Every single character revolves around her. Everything. EVERYONE. OHMYGOD, IT’S A CONSPIRACY. The Greek names… they’re in on it, I SWEEEEAR.

SPOILER TIME! DING DA DING DA DIIING.
Right, so, Zoey starts flirting with a teacher (bit squick, though, you know, I have had crushes on teachers… though, they never flirted with me, or touched me… right, so squick anyway) and has weird, bloody semi-sex with her ex-boyfriend (the bloody is LITERAL, not a swear word… SQUICK, gotta say I was pretty disturbed by that scene – making out while drinking the guy’s blood was… disgusting, thanks for that image, Casts) and when she admits to her boyfriend that she still has a crush on her ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t break up with her or just smack her around. Just a bit.. He makes out with her – ‘oh, we’ll figure this out my spechul snowflakey. I still wuv you’. BARF. Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.  (Not saying guys should beat their girlfriends when they cheat on them – they should break up with the stupid little things and preserve their self respect – you’re worth more than that, guys).

Zoey Redbird isn’t though, the self-righteous…

[Censored]

… and when her best friend dies, everyone is absolutely sure to take care of POOR ZOEY WHO LOST HER BEST FRIEND. All her friends are there to comfort her, because obviously the girl was their friend too and they don’t need to mourn as much as POOR LITTLE SPECHUL ZOEY. You friggin’…

[Censored]

All in all, this book sucks. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. This is in so many ways the exact opposite of everything that makes a good book (read: the exact opposite of the Final Empire). Shallow characters whose only purpose is to praise the main character (or be super duper EVUL), a plot revolving entirely around the main character… and a main character who is completely unbearable. Couple that with an unbearable narrative. This character has the attention span of a 13-year old kid in a candy store with fifty flat screens showing fifty different cartoons. She comments on irrelevant things during ”action” scenes (in the widest sense possible) and wonders about stupid things while supposedly grieving her best friend.

I am totally over the Greek names thing, though… *smashes lamp* … well, now I am.

The Final Empire – Mistborn Book One by Brandon Sanderson

Week 20 and WHAT A BOOK. Expect me to be irrationally fond of this book and deny any flaws it may have. This is my precious. I can sincerely say this is one of the best books I have ever read. [Initiate fangirling in 3... 2.... 1... GO!]

Title: The Final Empire – Mistborn Book One
By: Brandon Sanderson
Pages: 647
Published by Gollancz, 2009
First published 2006

For a thousand years the ash fell. For a thousand years, the Skaa slaved in misery and lived in fear. For a thousand years, the Lord Ruler reigned with absoulte power and ultimate terror, divinely invincible. Every attempted revolt has failed miserably.

Yet somehow hope survives. A new kind of uprising is being planned, one that depends of the cunning of a brilliant criminal mastermind and the courage of an unklikely heroïne, a Skaa street urchin, who must learn to master Allomancy, the power of a mistborn.

What if the prophesied hero had failed to defeat the Dark Lord? The answer will be found in the Mistborn triology, a saga of surprises that begins here.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (it was amazing)

OH MY GOD.
This… just… gaaaah! This is so brilliant. So perfect, so astonishingly awesome. This is a darker version of Harry Potter. This is awesome if awesome had pages and a cover. This is, quite possibly, one of the best books I have ever read.

I mean that. Wow. Just WOW.
I first got to ‘know’ Brandon Sanderson through lectures on Youtube. There’s a series of lectures for writers on Youtube (and if you want to be a writer – particularly of fantasy – go look at them on Youtube) and because I don’t want to take advice from a writer I don’t like, I got a hold of Sanderson’s book and what do you know… it’s brilliant. Absolutely stunning.

Right, before I start gushing for seriousness, I’d like to point out how he says in his lectures that ‘it has to be awesome’ when he writes. Holy friggin’ hell does it show. But let me at least TRY to be coherent about this. I’m rambling.

I almost instantly liked the characters. Get through the first few chapters and you’re bound to fall in love already. Kelsier’s awesome, Vin is awesome – of course the rest of them are awesome. They are so likeable. Even Vin who, had Sanderson been less talented, could have easily turned out annoying and too-perfect, is likeable. She is probably the only character I have encountered so far, who is said to have trust issues who actually has trust issues. Often, writers say ‘oh, she’s been hurt so much, she has trust issues’ and then when the love interest comes along, she’s swooning and moaning and bye-bye trust issues! Not so here. Vin is also a more realistic female than I’ve seen written by a lot of women. She’s not strong because she’s all male – she has a female side and a softness and that’s just part of who she is. I’ve seen this quote by George R. R. Martin where he says he treats women like people and although he’s not bad at writing females – he’s not nearly as good as this. Sorry.
It’s not like any of Vin’s attributes are stated bluntly either – Sanderson knows what show don’t tell is and he uses it… why am I not married to this man? Oh, that’s right – he’s too AWESOME.

The world building is amazing as well, and the magic systems. It’s all so brilliantly put together. The Big Bad is an actual threat to the world and the world is a horrible place because of this man – it’s not just a man who’s bad because the writer says so. This guy is EVIL. (Notice I’m using All Caps again? Well, this time it’s Caps Lock of JOY – such a strange feeling). The world is so well built. I love allomancy and feruchemy and I love the city and the creatures and everything. My, why isn’t this book more popular? Why haven’t they made a movie (yet)? Sorry, too much gushing, perhaps. But dang, this is just so GOOD.

I mean, a book actually surprising me? Some of you may know that I’m rarely surprised (too much TvTropes will do this to you), but this managed to be surprising without asspulling. The plot was so well put together. It might seem like random events put together when you read it for the first time, but then the end comes and DANG. Just DANG, that is so AWESOME.

Because really, the general feel of this book is a boy having fun. A very intelligent boy who’s also respectful to women, but a boy nonetheless. Sanderson loves his fantasy world. He loves his characters. He loves the story and the magic and the action and consequently, I love it all, too. And you should, too. Now, go read this book. No, you heard me. Go read it, now. That’s an order. I’m going to roll around on the floor, fangirling like a pro.

INSTANT FAVOURITE.

Title Game

Today, we’re going to play a little game. I’ve found the top five NY Times best sellers (hardcover fiction) and as they’re all titles I’ve never read or read the description of, they’re perfect for my little game. I’m going to take the titles (much like I did in my article about horrible books with great titles) and imagine a story based on those titles – then I’ll compare to the actual content of the books.

Let’s go!

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Well, I could be obvious and say ‘it’s about a girl who’s gone’. Well, I won’t. It’s about a girl who’s not gone, but her boyfriend, her co-worker and her “best friend” wishes she was. Therefore, they decide to hypnotise her into believing she is gone. While coldheartedly plotting against the girl who’s not gone, they form a strong friendship. Then she actually disappears.

The Next Best Thing by Jennifer Weiner

This sounds like a chick-lit about true love and not settling for second best. That’s boring, though. It is really about a gang of thieves who want to earn quick cash so their best friend can get a new kidney. But they’re really smart, so they decide to steal the next best thing on display at the museum so as to not cause a big kerfuffle. During the story, they end up chased by the police anyway and realise they’ve accidentally stolen the best thing. Oopsie.

Wicked Business by Janet Evanovich

A crooked business man and his young cousin get into big trouble when they deal with a seemingly harmless old antiques dealer. Unfortunately, he’s actually a wizard and when he finds out they’ve cheated him, he curses them and they wake up as characters in the novel Wicked… hilarity ensues as the crooked business man and his cousin sets up a business to con all the characters of the novel.

Right, I’m really sorry about that one. I couldn’t think of anything but ‘Wicked’ when I saw the title. I’ll never do that again, promise.

Criminal by Karin Slaughter

I know you’re all thinking this is about a criminal. It isn’t. It’s about someone who’s not criminal who is accused of being criminal. He then has to clear his name along with an insane female cop who likes to break the rules for no apparent reason. The man who is not criminal but accused of being one ends up falling violently in love with a woman who is actually criminal and there’s a plot twist where he thinks his love interest is the one who set him up, but it’s really the insane cop and she did it because why not?

Bloodline by James Rollins

This is not a vampire novel. This is an epic tale (because who doesn’t like epic) about a family who is crazy obsessed with blood (see, the title is a pun – it’s a family and they like blood, so bloodline… eh? No? Sorry). The novel follows them for many, many years and even though this isn’t a vampire novel, everybody thinks they’re vampires and hunt and kill and fear the family, who just keeps on drinking blood. It’s a creepy story, really. In the end, everybody dies.

Now, before I reveal the actual plots, I encourage readers to go to the comments and tell me your thoughts on the titles before you read the descriptions. Let’s have fun with these titles.

The actual plots of the books:

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn:

“A woman disappears on the day of her fifth anniversary; is her husband a killer?”

Comment: oh… I kind of got that one wrong, didn’t I?

The Next Best Thing by Jennifer Weiner:

“A young woman who moves to Hollywood to make it in television finds success, but her life remains complicated.”

Comment: that doesn’t even sound better than my story about the thieves who wants to steal to get their friend a kidney. They could’ve been lovers, you know, if that’d give it more best seller appeal.

Wicked business, by Janet Evanovich:

“The Salem, Mass., pastry chef Lizzy Tucker and her partner, Diesel, take up a quest for a powerful ancient relic.”

Comment: a pastry chef and someone named Diesel looking for an ancient relic? Sounds almost insane enough to be thought out by me. I like it. Pastry chef… that’s so random.

Criminal by Karin Slaughter:

Will Trent of the Georgia Bureau of Investigation and his supervisor, Amanda Wagner, confront mysteries from the past.

Comment: that is so vague. Might as well be ‘something dark has happened and stuff is wrong and then some people look at it’. I still think I was pretty much off the mark, though.

Bloodline by James Rollins:

A deadly rescue mission in the African jungle and a clinic bombing in South Carolina both reveal a dangerous conspiracy; a Sigma Force novel.

Comment: ha, ha, ha, ha, I couldn’t be further off the mark if I tried. Not really what I think when the title is ‘Bloodline’ but I guess that’s sort of a good thing.

So, what did you think of the titles? What are your ideas? If you could write a story based on these titles what would they be about? Tell me in the comments.

I’m probably going to continue this title game with other titles but maybe not in this format. I’m not entirely happy with it. Though, I’ll figure out a way to make it the way I want it to. Also, this article may be edited when I’m at a less sucky computer.

The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Week 17‘s book is The Wizard of Oz, which is the cutes thing you’ll ever read. Yes, I’m really in love with this. It is ridiculously likeable.

Title: The Wizard of Oz
By: L. Frank Baum
Pages: 143
Published by Wordsworth Editions Limited, 1993
First published 1900

When a huge cyclone transports the orphan Dorothy and her little dog Toto from Kansas to the Land of Oz, she fears that she will never see Aunt Em and Uncle Henry ever again.
But she meets the Munchkins, and they tell her to follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City where the Wonderful Wizard of Oz will grant any wish. On the way, she meets the brainless Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Cowardly Lion. The four friends set off to seek their hearts’ desires, and in a series of action-packed adventures they encounter a deadly poppy field, fierce animals, flying monkeys, a wicked witch, a good witch, and the Mighty Oz himself.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

This is quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever read. For such a small book, it’s become a huge classic and it deserves a great review and stuff. I just don’t know what else to say.

What can I say? I like the story, I like the setting and I like the characters. It’s all cute and creative and imaginative. The plot is surprisingly well put together and for such a short book, it’s amazing the characters have actual personalities (mustnotbashbadbooks).

As this review is positive, you all know it’s gonna suck, so I’ll just finish by saying: give this a shot. It’s a two hour read, tops, and it’s well worth it. You’ll be very well entertained all the way through and age is no concern. If you’re a child or a child at heart, you’ll enjoy this very much.

Lille Virgil by Ole Lund Kierkegaard

Week 16 was probably not the week I read this book. Duhuhuhuhu. I really don’t remember. This review is a short one but it’s sincere. This book is so cute.

Title: Lille Virgil
By: Ole Lund Kierkegaard
Pages: 94
Published by Gyldendal, 2002
First published 1967

In a hen’s house in a small town lives Little Virgil with a one legged cock that wakes him up every morning. He is friends with Oskar and Carl Emil and along with them Little Virgil has many adventures. One is about a lonely stork, another about Carl Emil’s birthday party and a hidden treasure. But not only that – Little Virgil and his friends also meet a dragon with eight legs.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

If you’re a kid and you grew up in Denmark, odds are you either read Ole Lund Kirkegaard (or had them read to you) or watched some of the movies based on his books. It’s like a kid’s national treasure in good old Denmark and I quite liked reading it again.

‘Lille Virgil’ is a strange book, strange enough that kids are going to wet themselves laughing, and at the same time, it treats kids like they’re smart. I can imagine reading this to a kid and hear them laughing at the main characters’ ignorance – of course you, as a reader, even as a kid, knows they’re wrong and that’s a great experience for kids to have when they read a book.
It’s clever this way, but it’s also funny enough that it won’t feel like they’re being lectured.
That’s actually something kids’ books do ALL the time. Lecture kids: you need to treat your friends like this, lying is wrong, it’s important to share… that’s fine and dandy but it’s nice to know that there are also books like this, that are just around for fun. There is no aesop here – it’s about three silly boys hunting a dragon and building a house and drinking soda. Stuff that all kids do.

I imagine this is funnier to read with a kid because this kind of humour would appeal more to them than it would to an adult. I can only encourage parents to read it to their kids and even if you read it by yourself, as an adult, you’ll probably enjoy it. It is so cute.

[Edited for derpiness]

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

Week 15 is… quite a while ago and thus it’s also quite a while since I read Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. This is not really a review of it, since I don’t feel entitled to review great classics like this. So here guys: have a ramble on Jane Austen’s awesomeness.

Title: Sense and Sensibility
By: Jane Austen
Pages: 462
Published by Collector’s Library
First published 1811

Sense and Sensibility, the first of Jane Austen’s major novels, is a portrait of two very different sisters, Elinor and Marianne Dashwood. Elinor is practical and disciplined, Marianne Capricious and emotional, yet they share a troubled and impoverished family background, and both must struggle to achieve the happiness they deserve. Ranged against them are the forces of a society where men and masculinity predominate; Elinor and Marianne have to balance their emotional needs against the harsh financial realities of the world at large. Sense and Sensibility is a chronicle of romantic misfortunes, narrated with irony and a sharp eye for hypocrisy. A powerful drama of family life and growing up, the novel is at once a subtle comedy of manners and a striking critique of early-ninteenth-century society.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

If I had to describe Jane Austen shortly as I see her, I’d call her an ideal writer. One of my favourite things in a story is a great cast of characters and Austen’s are always unforgettable. Who could ever forget Mr. Collins or Miss Bates or Lydia Bennet? All characters are well-defined and well-rounded. You can hear their voices as clearly as if they were in the room with you.

It’s no wonder that Jane Austen is a classic. Repeatedly, married women with children completely fail to establish romances that are as convincing as Austen’s – and she remained unmarried and a virgin her entire life. No, I’m not talking about Stephenie Meyer, why would you even think that would be the case?

Jokes at Meyer’s expense aside, there is a tendency to misinterpret Austen’s meaning what with Twilight claiming to be (at least partially) based on Pride and Prejudice. It cannot be stressed enough that Austen would not approve of most of Young Adult paranormal romance literature these days – I am certain she would not. What little I’ve read of it, I know there’s a tendency to admire passion over close friendship and equality in character. I’m not just talking about Twilight, but a book such as Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick, which is all about this insane passion that even goes against all reason.

This takes me back to the book at hand, Sense and Sensibility, and wouldn’t you know it – it’s right there in the friggin’ title. It’s in the book’s plot. Be warned: there will be spoilers in a bit.

As is probably known to all, this is a story of two sisters: Elinor is sensible and calm, while Marianne is romantic and emotional. Elinor suffers the loss of a lover while in the end, Marianne almost puts her own life at risk. Guess who’s the more sensible of the two? Yeah, you guessed it. Austen knew it’s not reasonable to put your life at stake over a man. She knew life will go on regardless of a broken heart. She knew what nobody seems to know these days. Ironically, Austen’s books are a better life lesson for girls, and they were written at a time when women weren’t allowed to get an education or to vote and they were thought inferior to men. Take away the whole ‘you need to marry or you’re nothing’ and the message at it’s core is: Life goes one. It’s never worth throwing your life away for some man. Even if Elinor hadn’t gotten her man in the end, she have, in time, have gotten over it.
That’s not unromantic or anything – it’s healthy.

Guys, stop reading Hush, Hush, and Twilight and other such books and go for Jane Austen. Fill in a message that fits our time period better and you have not only a most entertaining read with a cast of great characters, sizzling wit, biting irony and a good story – you also have a message that makes most young adult literature look like soft core porn with a plot deficiency.

I, Claudius by Robert Graves

Week 13… was two weeks ago. Currently, I’m on week 15 and entering 16 tomorrow. I SUCK at this challenge at the moment. Anyway. Today I have a bundle deal for you guys – two review for the price of one (plus shipping). And first is ‘I, Claudius’ by Robert Graves. I’ll warn you this review hasn’t been edited, ’cause I’m a lazy bum, and thus it sucks pineapple slices.

Title: Jeg, Claudius
Original title: I, Claudius
By: Robert Graves
Pages: 376
Published by Gyldendal, 1977
First published 1934

From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius, Born 10 B.C., Murdered and Deified A.D. 54:
Considered an idiot because of his physical infirmities, Claudius survived the intrigues and poisonings of the reigns of Augustus, Tiberius, and the Mad Caligula to become emperor in 41 A.D. Historical novel set in 1st-century-AD Rome by Robert Graves, published in 1934. The book is written as an autobiographical memoir by Roman emperor Claudius. Physically weak, afflicted with stammering, and inclined to drool, Claudius is an embarrassment to his family and is shunted to the background of imperial affairs. The benefits of his seeming ineffectuality are twofold: he becomes a scholar and historian, and he is spared the worst cruelties inflicted on the imperial family by its own members during the reigns of Augustus, Tiberius, and Caligula. Palace intrigues and murders surround him. Claudius’ informal narration serves to emphasize the banality of the imperial family’s endless greed and lust. The story concludes with Claudius ascending to the imperial throne. A sequel, Claudius, the God and His Wife Messalina (1935), covers Claudius’ years as Roman emperor.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

Right, let’s finally review this. It’s about time, too.

Hey, do you like Romans? Do you like dirtbags? Do you like scandals and pointless cruelty? Then I assure you ‘I, Claudius’ is your kind of book! Wait, don’t leave, it’s not a bad thing. I really, really like it. Right, so maybe I should start from the beginning as opposed to… starting from the end? I don’t know, don’t imagine I know what I’m talking about.

Where was I again? Yeah, writing. As with many a book about ancient Rome or the likes, this book is written like an ancient document. Now, if you’re already used to ancient texts – if you’ve read enough Cicero and Virgil and Seneca that you know the style, this is a treat. It’s done very convincingly, too . Telling the story of Claudius’ life from birth to the day he becomes emperor makes it absolutely necessary to tell in this way, as ancient texts have a way of cramming stunning amounts of information into a book (don’t believe me? Take a look at Homer’s catalogue of ships… right, so don’t do that, it’s not very action packed). I personally love this for the writing style and if you, like me, like a bit of ancient Greek or Roman text, you’re going to love it just as much. That said, it might feel a bit heavy if you’re not used to it, not going to lie. I know I found ‘Sinuhe the Egyptian’ (a book written this same way) rather heavy when I read, and that’s probably because I wasn’t as used to ancient texts (I read them all the friggin’ time now). Keep this in mind and if you’re not used to ancient texts, don’t judge Graves on this.

As for characters, we already know ‘em all. If you don’t know Claudius too well, at least you know his… eh, very special nephew Caligula (you may already know him as ‘that emperor who made his horse a consul’), emperor Augustus, maybe even his wife Livia, and all of their messed up, crazy family, including poor Claudius himself. These are the characters we’re introduced to and while not entirely historically accurate, (I think the source for many stories is Suetonus and he… well, he probably isn’t the best source…) it’s a very interesting, very charming cast of characters. If you’re already interested in Roman emperors and their f**ked up lives, this is a brilliant way to be introduced to them all. They’re brilliantly portrayed and I’m sure they were even more brilliant people in real life.

Plot… you know, this plot has been known for 2000 years so… yeah, how could I criticise it without being a dick? It’s a great plot, plotted by the master of plots: History. Or by Suetonus, but whatever. Suetonus’ stories, I’m sure, are great fun to include, so I’ll just comment on the fun little details Graves adds. Stuff like adding a reason for Ovid being banished and probably tons of other things that I didn’t catch because I’m not actually that clever.

To sum up: This is a great book. If you’re interested in Roman history, definitely give it a shot (beware of stuff based on ancient sources, but enjoy it). It’s well worth a read and I’m definitely looking forward to the second book and to the TV-series based on it.

Also, this is a positive review – that’s why it sucks cherries.

5 Amazing Book Titles (That Were Stolen by Terrible Books)

I’m behind schedule. Hard. ‘Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell’ is a mouthful (and a seven hundred-something page mouthful – that’s a lot of book) – couple that with laziness and unexpected illness which I suddenly ran into yesterday and you have it. Behind schedule. I apologise to the god of books, if such a god even exists (and let’s just pretend I’d believe in such a god) and I apologise to my perfectionism, which is quite stubborn, but couldn’t quite fight of whatever the frick was wrong with me yesterday. I’m generous, though, so I decided that I wanted to give you a teeny-weeny article anyway (teeny-weeny = three pages). Let’s do this!

Book titles, an elusive species – they lure you in and make you all curious and gooey. Some of the most brilliant titles hide brilliant content: Pride and Prejudice, A Game of Thrones, Wuthering Heights, The Merchant of Venice, Portal (yes, that’s a video game – your point being…?) Others though… not so much.

I’ve gathered five books with brilliant titles and crappy content. Now, I expect this list will probably expand as I continue my bad book bonuses, but so far this is what I found:

#5 – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

“Louise! Louise!”
“Why, yes, hypothetical curious person?”
“Why is Twilight number five on this list – is it because it’s less sucky than the rest?”
“Nope. Not really. There are actually books on this list that I thought were better than Twilight, but EVERYBODY is bashing Twilight, so I decided to put it number five so as to not spend too much time on it.”
“You don’t really have anyone to talk to, do you?”
“No, I don’t, but that’s what hypothetical curious people are for!!”

The title promises:
Something like the song Twilight by Vanessa Carlton (no relation to the book series, whatsoever) which is a magical piece of music. Something mysterious, dark yet hopeful. Check out the song and tell me that song is not what you feel when you hear the word twilight.

We get:
Oh, you all know what we get – moody teenagers, borderline abusive relationships, lack of plot and characterisation and a very disturbing fourth novel. Twilight isn’t fun to mock anymore – moving on!

#4 – Marked by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast

This is, hands down, probably the worst novel on the list. If you’ve read my review of it, you know how I feel about this, so I won’t go into too much detail (though that would be fun) – I’ll just say that this is the worst, but it’s number four because I’ve already bashed it so thoroughly, I’d be surprised if the Casts didn’t have bad dreams that night.

Because I totally am that bad ass… yes I am, shut up.

The title promises:
Well, I don’t know, but something awesome. At the top of my head, I see a sweeping epic about a young woman who’s been branded in society for sleeping around. Or a super bad ass prison story where all prisoners are marked with this bad ass tattoo and treated like crap. That sounds totally awesome. Can we get someone to write that? It could be all symbolic and shit – something along the lines of both a mark that can be seen and one that cannot, and even though the horrid prison tattoo is gone many years later when Jack White tells the story to his grandchildren, the mark is still there, under his skin…

Crap, I hate this book even more now. Wasted potential for awesome hurts.

We get:
Don’t get me started. Really. I think I made myself clear enough in my review. I’ll just give you a few key words: sucky, poorly written, stupid plot, Mary Sue’s cousin, abuse of ancient Greek names… jsf03w9ut0325r345r90jhdfkj… We basically get the stupidest thing in young adult literature since Stephenie Meyer started hammering on the keyboard – and this somehow managed to surpass Twilight in stupidity. That’s impressive, Casts, but also really, really sad.

#3 – The Secret Crusade by Oliver Bowden

I like Assassin’s Creed. I like books. I should like books based on Assassin’s Creed, and yet, I f**king don’t. Right, so maybe it should have been obvious to me that this would suck. It is a truth universally acknowledged that books/movies based on videogames suck… but I was blinded by awesome, I wanted moooooar!

The title promises:
‘The Secret Crusade’ is one big question – what crusade? And it’s also… quite clever, actually. The book (and first AC game) takes place during the Crusades and this is about a secret crusade going on alongside the not-so-secret Crusades. And that… you know that’s actually kind of clever. I like it. Even not knowing this sort-of-symbolism/punny-thing, the title is cool. Secret is a good word in a title because it makes you curious. ‘There’s a SECRET thing?! I have to know what that secret thing is all about!!!’ At least that’s how I react. I like secrets.

We get:
Copy-pasted dialogue from the game (which is actually cool – the dialogue is probably what made this bearable) and Bowden’s shitty writing. What is that, you say? Character depth and emotion? Ha! Bowden laughs at such notions! No, let’s just… copy-paste stuff and… skip parts and shit. And kill off characters! And be very inelegant about it! And not research the time period or culture it takes place in!

Look, I’m not sure I can write this any more clearly: this book sucks. Screw you, Bowden!

#2 – City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

If you go buy this book these days, it’s recommended by Stephenie Meyer. The quality is kind of what you’d expect based on this info.

The title promises:
Dude, look at that title. Are you thinking about zombies? Because I totally am. Or perhaps an army of skeletons! Or, or – perhaps an army of skeletons fighting an army of zombies for the right to rule the City of Bones! That’s so… I can’t even… that would rock! (Instant awesome – just add zombies!) If they wanted, they could throw in a silly love triangle and I’d still buy it, as long as there were zombies tearing off skeletons’… heads? Skulls!

We get:
Cassandra Clare’s edited Harry Potter fan fiction. I am not flippin’ kidding you. Before she was published, she was known as Cassandra Claire (wow that’s… so imaginative) and then she wrote a very popular Harry Potter fan fiction – the Draco Trilogy. I’m in a generous mood, so I won’t mention the fact that she apparently lifted several sentences from other books, from tv-shows, etc. (oh, look at that, I mentioned it anyway – the irony!) but apparently she decided, when she got published, to just change the names a bit (well, okay, and probably the plot) and publish it as original fiction – that’s what people who read both believe, so who am I to argue? I only read this. On its own, it’s pretty bad, too. It’s not as sucky as Twilight (it has a plot, you see), but it’s not good either, and certainly not worthy of a title that should belong to an epic book about Zombies vs. Skeletons!

#1 – The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan

This is one of the only books I’ve ever not given up on, but flat out refused to finish. Fifty pages before the end, I just slammed it shut and thought: No, screw this. Here’s why…

The title promises:
So, the titles is bit of a cliché, sure, but it’s still cool. The Expected One. It sounds cool and destiny-ish and stuff. On the top of my head, I’m thinking: a civilisation on the border of complete destruction (by zombies) and they’re waiting for the Expected One, and then one day someone turns up and says ‘I’m totally the Expected One’ and everyone believes him, but in the end it turns out he’s really not – the entire society is, and when they finally join forces to kill the zombies and save the world, they realise that they, together, are strong enough and don’t need an Expected One. And there’s this angry guy and a more idealistic guy with some political differences and they have to find common ground to defeat them and show that the people is strong and… I’ve totally written this entire story in my head. Would be so cool.

We get:
A descendant of Mary Magdalene. Leonardo da Vinci as a bad guy (who casts Leonardo as a bad guy?! Leonardo was totally cool – a bit weird, sure, but completely chill and stuff, he drew tanks and flying machines, how was he not cool?). A boring book. And it’s about the Holy Grail and came to light right around the time the Da Vinci Code became popular (yeah, go figure).

Oh, and this is the kicker: even if this book isn’t as bad as, say, Marked, if you look around on the web, you’ll find the author of this book swearing that she, herself, is a descendant of Mary Magdalene. It’s true – she had visions while in Jerusalem and she has definite proof that she’s the descendant. Oh? You want to see this evidence? Well, she won’t show you. Even if the book isn’t so bad (what made me slam it shut was the whole ‘I’m the descendant’ coupled with boredom and Leonardo as a bad guy (you seen him in Assassin’s Creed II? He’s way cool), but it was mostly just ‘meh’) the craziness of the author is really jarring and makes me completely unable to enjoy this thing. You so silly, McGowan…

The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien

Week 7 – I finished this book last weekend so I’ve been ahead for quite a while, so much so that I’ve read a book that wasn’t on my list during this week! Please bear in mind that this review is positive and thus not very well-written – it’s just the way it works for me, I think. Right, let’s dive into Tolkien’s Hobbit!

Title: The Hobbit
By: J. R. R. Tolkien
Pages: 277
Published by Harper Collins, 2011, London
First published 1937

Bilbo Baggins is a hobbit who enjoys a comfortable, unambitious life, rarely travelling any further than his pantry or his cellar. But his contentment is disturbed when the wizard, Gandalf, and a company of dwarves arrive on his doorstep one day to whisk him away on an adventure. They have a plot to raid the treasure hoard guarded by Smaug the Magnificent, a large and very dangerous dragon. Bilbo is most reluctant to take part in this quest but he surprises even himself by his resourcefulness and his skill as a burglar!

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

I once tried to labour my way through The Lord of the Rings and those books don’t do much for me. I’ve always respected J. R. R. Tolkien all the same, and having read this I feel like my respect is more than well-founded.

I absolutely love it. It’s like reading a fairytale or, even better, having a fairytale read to you. The narrator is a large part of the story and it works to the book’s advantage.

As to writing, the description is less heavy than it is in the Lord of the Rings. There is some of it, but not several pages, and though it did distract me from the story at times, I also found that it set the tone nicely. Some places, the descriptions really worked, other times they didn’t.

I probably enjoyed the first half of the book more than the second. The first part was fairytale-like in its style and it felt like the characters were moving through fairytale quests. I liked the different places and people, traditions and stories, but in a novel by Tolkien, that’s hardly anything new.

If you, like me, aren’t too good at the Lord of the Rings – not because it’s necessarily bad but because it’s heavy – the Hobbit is definitely worth a try. It’s very Tolkien-y, but also sweet, set in the nicest setting and it’s much easier to read than Lord of the Rings. This is a must-read.