The Final Empire – Mistborn Book One by Brandon Sanderson

Week 20 and WHAT A BOOK. Expect me to be irrationally fond of this book and deny any flaws it may have. This is my precious. I can sincerely say this is one of the best books I have ever read. [Initiate fangirling in 3... 2.... 1... GO!]

Title: The Final Empire – Mistborn Book One
By: Brandon Sanderson
Pages: 647
Published by Gollancz, 2009
First published 2006

For a thousand years the ash fell. For a thousand years, the Skaa slaved in misery and lived in fear. For a thousand years, the Lord Ruler reigned with absoulte power and ultimate terror, divinely invincible. Every attempted revolt has failed miserably.

Yet somehow hope survives. A new kind of uprising is being planned, one that depends of the cunning of a brilliant criminal mastermind and the courage of an unklikely heroïne, a Skaa street urchin, who must learn to master Allomancy, the power of a mistborn.

What if the prophesied hero had failed to defeat the Dark Lord? The answer will be found in the Mistborn triology, a saga of surprises that begins here.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (it was amazing)

OH MY GOD.
This… just… gaaaah! This is so brilliant. So perfect, so astonishingly awesome. This is a darker version of Harry Potter. This is awesome if awesome had pages and a cover. This is, quite possibly, one of the best books I have ever read.

I mean that. Wow. Just WOW.
I first got to ‘know’ Brandon Sanderson through lectures on Youtube. There’s a series of lectures for writers on Youtube (and if you want to be a writer – particularly of fantasy – go look at them on Youtube) and because I don’t want to take advice from a writer I don’t like, I got a hold of Sanderson’s book and what do you know… it’s brilliant. Absolutely stunning.

Right, before I start gushing for seriousness, I’d like to point out how he says in his lectures that ‘it has to be awesome’ when he writes. Holy friggin’ hell does it show. But let me at least TRY to be coherent about this. I’m rambling.

I almost instantly liked the characters. Get through the first few chapters and you’re bound to fall in love already. Kelsier’s awesome, Vin is awesome – of course the rest of them are awesome. They are so likeable. Even Vin who, had Sanderson been less talented, could have easily turned out annoying and too-perfect, is likeable. She is probably the only character I have encountered so far, who is said to have trust issues who actually has trust issues. Often, writers say ‘oh, she’s been hurt so much, she has trust issues’ and then when the love interest comes along, she’s swooning and moaning and bye-bye trust issues! Not so here. Vin is also a more realistic female than I’ve seen written by a lot of women. She’s not strong because she’s all male – she has a female side and a softness and that’s just part of who she is. I’ve seen this quote by George R. R. Martin where he says he treats women like people and although he’s not bad at writing females – he’s not nearly as good as this. Sorry.
It’s not like any of Vin’s attributes are stated bluntly either – Sanderson knows what show don’t tell is and he uses it… why am I not married to this man? Oh, that’s right – he’s too AWESOME.

The world building is amazing as well, and the magic systems. It’s all so brilliantly put together. The Big Bad is an actual threat to the world and the world is a horrible place because of this man – it’s not just a man who’s bad because the writer says so. This guy is EVIL. (Notice I’m using All Caps again? Well, this time it’s Caps Lock of JOY – such a strange feeling). The world is so well built. I love allomancy and feruchemy and I love the city and the creatures and everything. My, why isn’t this book more popular? Why haven’t they made a movie (yet)? Sorry, too much gushing, perhaps. But dang, this is just so GOOD.

I mean, a book actually surprising me? Some of you may know that I’m rarely surprised (too much TvTropes will do this to you), but this managed to be surprising without asspulling. The plot was so well put together. It might seem like random events put together when you read it for the first time, but then the end comes and DANG. Just DANG, that is so AWESOME.

Because really, the general feel of this book is a boy having fun. A very intelligent boy who’s also respectful to women, but a boy nonetheless. Sanderson loves his fantasy world. He loves his characters. He loves the story and the magic and the action and consequently, I love it all, too. And you should, too. Now, go read this book. No, you heard me. Go read it, now. That’s an order. I’m going to roll around on the floor, fangirling like a pro.

INSTANT FAVOURITE.

Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin.

Week 19 concludes my list. I mean, I’m not really done – I haven’t read ‘em all – but reading stuff other people chose was getting tiring. Time I choose myself. I do feel like I’m pretty good at choosing books I like (and dislike… I chose Marked after all!) so from now on, I read mostly what I want. I am reading some stuff from the list that I wanted to read anyway (like the Princess Bride and Confessions of an Ugly Step Sister). But let’s get the last week of obeying the list over with. This is Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin.

Title: Dødens herskerinde
Original title: Mistress of the Art of Death
By: Ariana Franklin
Pages: 378
Published by Aschehoug Dansk forlag 2007
First published 2007

A chilling, mesmerizing novel that combines the best of modern forensic thrillers with the detail and drama of historical fiction.

In medieval Cambridge, England, four children have been murdered. The crimes are immediately blamed on the town’s Jewish community, taken as evidence that Jews sacrifice Christian children in blasphemous ceremonies. To save them from the rioting mob, the king places the Cambridge Jews under his protection and hides them in a castle fortress. King Henry I is no friend of the Jews-or anyone, really-but he is invested in their fate. Without the taxes received from Jewish merchants, his treasuries would go bankrupt. Hoping scientific investigation will exonerate the Jews, Henry calls on his cousin the King of Sicily-whose subjects include the best medical experts in Europe-and asks for his finest “master of the art of death,” an early version of the medical examiner. The Italian doctor chosen for the task is a young prodigy from the University of Salerno. But her name is Adelia-the king has been sent a mistress of the art of death.

Adelia and her companions-Simon, a Jew, and Mansur, a Moor-travel to England to unravel the mystery of the Cambridge murders, which turn out to be the work of a serial killer, most likely one who has been on Crusade with the king. In a backward and superstitious country like England, Adelia must conceal her true identity as a doctor in order to avoid accusations of witchcraft. Along the way, she is assisted by Sir Rowley Picot, one of the king’s tax collectors, a man with a personal stake in the investigation. Rowley may be a needed friend, or the fiend for whom they are searching. As Adelia’s investigation takes her into Cambridge’s shadowy river paths and behind the closed doors of its churches and nunneries, the hunt intensifies and the killer prepares to strike again .

***

Rating on Goodreads: (liked it)

Right, finally. Only took me a coulple of weeks *cough* Right, so seeing as this is a review, I guess it all boils down to whether or not I like the book. So… do I?

Short answer: no.

Long answer: actually kind of yes but then not but… Right, let’s just do it the usual way.
So, what I expected from this book and what I got was very different. I expected a pretty straightforward, simple crime story set in Medieval England. What I got was historical fiction with a crime story, sorta. It’s not really a bad thing, but when your expectations are turned around like this, you can’t help but feel a certain disappointment. Before we talk more about that, though, let’s talk about the stuff I usually do.

First off the writing, which I found to be confusing. Sometimes, I found that another thing was happening while I thought that other stuff was happening. Some sentences were downright clumsy, but it’s hard to say whether it’s the writer’s fault or the translater. It’s generally very beautiful prose with some effective descriptions, but at the same time it was just difficult to keep track of what was going on. The narrative was sort of all over the place.

When it comes to the characters, they are actually nice and memorable, which is one reason this book is not a one or a two. I like them well enough, the main character probably less so, and they added some to the story. When I say I probably didn’t like the main character much, it’s because she suffers from that all too common problem: the author just liked her too much. She is taken too seriously and thus I can’t take her seriously. Everytime her entire name was mentioned like a sort of title, probably to sound cool, it just seemed melodramatic and I kind of giggled. Other than that – the other characters were neat and good fun. It’s not like Franklin is the first to fall in love with her main character.

The story is where I kind of grind to a halt and start really dislinking. There’s a crime story in this book, there really is, and it’s interesting and intriguing and I really like it. It’s just not focused enough. See, Franklin used to write historical fiction and not historical thrillers and it shows, I’m afraid. She has done an absolutely stunning amount of research, and it is impressive as holy applejuice, but I only know this because of the massive infodumping.
Now, I actually like infodumping here and there and this is the first time (except for Clive Cussler) I really see how it can be a disadvantage. There is so much info in there and that would be cool if I read this because it was historical fiction, but I read it for the murder mystery. An intriguing murder mystery that is completely drowned by so much other stuff. It’s description heavy too, and while very poetic and beautiful it’s just way too much.
In the end, the mystery was resolved and I liked the resolve and I liked the mystery, but even after the end of the murder mystery, the story dragged on and on and I just got bored by the last fifty pages.

In the end, I’ll give Franklin that I liked the mystery but there was just not enough of it. Less description of feasts and dresses and pretty rivers and birdies could have made it better for me. I do see a lot of positive reviews on Goodreads, so perhaps I’m just the weird one out. I did like this book, I just wanted more murder mystery and less description of medieval life, but if you don’t agree with me on that, you’ll probably like this very well.

The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Week 17‘s book is The Wizard of Oz, which is the cutes thing you’ll ever read. Yes, I’m really in love with this. It is ridiculously likeable.

Title: The Wizard of Oz
By: L. Frank Baum
Pages: 143
Published by Wordsworth Editions Limited, 1993
First published 1900

When a huge cyclone transports the orphan Dorothy and her little dog Toto from Kansas to the Land of Oz, she fears that she will never see Aunt Em and Uncle Henry ever again.
But she meets the Munchkins, and they tell her to follow the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City where the Wonderful Wizard of Oz will grant any wish. On the way, she meets the brainless Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman and the Cowardly Lion. The four friends set off to seek their hearts’ desires, and in a series of action-packed adventures they encounter a deadly poppy field, fierce animals, flying monkeys, a wicked witch, a good witch, and the Mighty Oz himself.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

This is quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever read. For such a small book, it’s become a huge classic and it deserves a great review and stuff. I just don’t know what else to say.

What can I say? I like the story, I like the setting and I like the characters. It’s all cute and creative and imaginative. The plot is surprisingly well put together and for such a short book, it’s amazing the characters have actual personalities (mustnotbashbadbooks).

As this review is positive, you all know it’s gonna suck, so I’ll just finish by saying: give this a shot. It’s a two hour read, tops, and it’s well worth it. You’ll be very well entertained all the way through and age is no concern. If you’re a child or a child at heart, you’ll enjoy this very much.

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

Week 15 is… quite a while ago and thus it’s also quite a while since I read Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. This is not really a review of it, since I don’t feel entitled to review great classics like this. So here guys: have a ramble on Jane Austen’s awesomeness.

Title: Sense and Sensibility
By: Jane Austen
Pages: 462
Published by Collector’s Library
First published 1811

Sense and Sensibility, the first of Jane Austen’s major novels, is a portrait of two very different sisters, Elinor and Marianne Dashwood. Elinor is practical and disciplined, Marianne Capricious and emotional, yet they share a troubled and impoverished family background, and both must struggle to achieve the happiness they deserve. Ranged against them are the forces of a society where men and masculinity predominate; Elinor and Marianne have to balance their emotional needs against the harsh financial realities of the world at large. Sense and Sensibility is a chronicle of romantic misfortunes, narrated with irony and a sharp eye for hypocrisy. A powerful drama of family life and growing up, the novel is at once a subtle comedy of manners and a striking critique of early-ninteenth-century society.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

If I had to describe Jane Austen shortly as I see her, I’d call her an ideal writer. One of my favourite things in a story is a great cast of characters and Austen’s are always unforgettable. Who could ever forget Mr. Collins or Miss Bates or Lydia Bennet? All characters are well-defined and well-rounded. You can hear their voices as clearly as if they were in the room with you.

It’s no wonder that Jane Austen is a classic. Repeatedly, married women with children completely fail to establish romances that are as convincing as Austen’s – and she remained unmarried and a virgin her entire life. No, I’m not talking about Stephenie Meyer, why would you even think that would be the case?

Jokes at Meyer’s expense aside, there is a tendency to misinterpret Austen’s meaning what with Twilight claiming to be (at least partially) based on Pride and Prejudice. It cannot be stressed enough that Austen would not approve of most of Young Adult paranormal romance literature these days – I am certain she would not. What little I’ve read of it, I know there’s a tendency to admire passion over close friendship and equality in character. I’m not just talking about Twilight, but a book such as Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick, which is all about this insane passion that even goes against all reason.

This takes me back to the book at hand, Sense and Sensibility, and wouldn’t you know it – it’s right there in the friggin’ title. It’s in the book’s plot. Be warned: there will be spoilers in a bit.

As is probably known to all, this is a story of two sisters: Elinor is sensible and calm, while Marianne is romantic and emotional. Elinor suffers the loss of a lover while in the end, Marianne almost puts her own life at risk. Guess who’s the more sensible of the two? Yeah, you guessed it. Austen knew it’s not reasonable to put your life at stake over a man. She knew life will go on regardless of a broken heart. She knew what nobody seems to know these days. Ironically, Austen’s books are a better life lesson for girls, and they were written at a time when women weren’t allowed to get an education or to vote and they were thought inferior to men. Take away the whole ‘you need to marry or you’re nothing’ and the message at it’s core is: Life goes one. It’s never worth throwing your life away for some man. Even if Elinor hadn’t gotten her man in the end, she have, in time, have gotten over it.
That’s not unromantic or anything – it’s healthy.

Guys, stop reading Hush, Hush, and Twilight and other such books and go for Jane Austen. Fill in a message that fits our time period better and you have not only a most entertaining read with a cast of great characters, sizzling wit, biting irony and a good story – you also have a message that makes most young adult literature look like soft core porn with a plot deficiency.

The Dice Man by Luke Rheinhart

Week 14 and we all know it’s not my fourteenth week of reading. Fnarg. Right, this next review might be slightly less sucky than I, Claudius, though not by much. Here we go… review two out of two: The Dice Man. Beware that this is also posted in all its unedited glory and it probably shows.

Title: Terningemanden
Original title: The Dice Man
By: Luke Rhinehart
Pages: 477
Published by Klim 2011
First published 1971

In the beginning was Chance, and Chance was with God and Chance was God …. There was a man sent by Chance, whose name was Luke …. And Chance was made flesh … and he dwelt among us, full of chaos, and falsehood and whim. — from The Book of the Die

So begins this 1970s classic of sex, drugs, and, of course, dice. Bored psychiatrist Luke Rhinehart lives with his wife and two children in their “slightly upper, slightly east” apartment in Manhattan. Dissatisfied with both Western and Eastern philosophies, alternately embracing the meaningfulness and meaninglessness of life, Luke’s world is forever changed when he finds religion through the simple roll of the die and is “stunned and converted — as only the utterly bored can be”.

Let the dice decide This is the only path to liberation and truth for Dr. Rhinehart and his patients. It seems sex is always an option as they roll their way through therapy sessions, relationships, parenting — even a mental institution breakout. Luke spreads his new religion with a hilarious combination of evangelical fervor and moral depravity, turning his life — and in some ways the world — on its ear. Because once you hand your life over to the dice, anything can happen.

A rollicking good read and an irreverent parody of American psychoanalytical culture, The Dice Man is entertaining, humorous, shocking, and subversive — one of the international cult bestsellers of our time.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (it was okay)

This is a difficult one. Let me from the beginning say this:
I will not comment on whether or not living your life by the dice is a good idea. Personally I’d never do it, because my perfectionism would freak out and kill me, but that’s as much as I’ll say on the matter. I’ll deal with the book only and then you can all keelhaul me for not “getting” it.

So let’s start talking about what I believe is the best aspect of this book: the writing. The dialogue is very witty and I even chuckled reading this. I liked the experimental things he did with his writing: changing viewpoint, including excerpts from “reports,” all those weird little things. I like it. It brilliantly portrays what the book is all about and the random nature of what is being portrayed. Not going to lie – that’s brilliant. It is brilliantly written.

Characters… geh, meh, fneh. I don’t like them. Yeah, I think it’s because it’s very seventies, if you catch my drift. Rhinehart is the protagonist and he’s just insane, the other characters are all conformists ruled by the Evul Society™ until he turns them into Dice people and, let’s be honest, he usually does that with sex, somehow. Amazing what you can do with your di… dice. And the worst aspect of this, I guess, is really the portrayal of women. Because they’re all… well, they’re all horny. They’re all reformed by Rhinehart’s holy di… ce and that’s cool and all, but he’s not even trying to create nuanced female characters. Even a Christian girl who’s a afraid of God’s punishment can be convinced to have sex with strangers if you just work her the right way. It does feel like every single female character in this book is merely there for Rhinehart to have sex with… *trying to think of a female character he didn’t bang* well, there’s his young daughter and a co-worker. That’s it. Do correct me if I’m wrong… or just don’t “get” it.

Wee, chickens! He, he, he, they’re all so happy because rocks make them trip and smile. Oooh, that thing has numbers on it! Wait, wait, I get it! This is marshmallows? They melt in the heat and go away on a rainy day. Yeah, yeah, I get it now. Wow, I want to be a potato when I grow up. Tee hee, lemons.

Right, so what I’m trying to say is: this book is insane. I already mentioned that the main character is insane and you know, I won’t take that back. He’s insane and he’s completely unsympathetic. Now, I did my research: the writer Luke Rhinehart (one article I found states that he actually changed his name from George Cockroft (and I’d totally change my name too if it was Cockroft) into Luke Rhinehart to confuse people) actually lives his life by the dice, though I sincerely hope in a less extreme form than this. When you read descriptions of the book it’ll say it deals with rape, murder, drugs and that’s pretty much the essence of it. Again, I’ll only say the main character is insane and I don’t like him and I’ll leave my judgement at that.

The plot didn’t really do much for me and coupled with the annoying female characters, it even made me a bit mad. The writer obviously likes his main character a bit too much (if you really change your name to your character’s, you’re in Canon Stu-territory already) and gives him success after success when he should have been caught and locked up.

In the end, no I probably don’t “get” this book. I never did like the ‘durr durr mah life is boring, gotta do sumfin’ cwazy’-plot and I don’t like that this book apparently feels like all women will willingly have sex with you if you only pressure them enough. I like the writing and I guess that’s about it, ‘cause I’ll give him it’s well-written and it’s even funny. In the end, though, good writing is not enough and the sheer annoyance I feel towards the main character, the plot and the depiction of females makes this book a what-the-f**k more than a good reading experience. If it’s just me who doesn’t “get” it, sorry, but I’m sort of glad that I don’t.

 

 

I, Claudius by Robert Graves

Week 13… was two weeks ago. Currently, I’m on week 15 and entering 16 tomorrow. I SUCK at this challenge at the moment. Anyway. Today I have a bundle deal for you guys – two review for the price of one (plus shipping). And first is ‘I, Claudius’ by Robert Graves. I’ll warn you this review hasn’t been edited, ’cause I’m a lazy bum, and thus it sucks pineapple slices.

Title: Jeg, Claudius
Original title: I, Claudius
By: Robert Graves
Pages: 376
Published by Gyldendal, 1977
First published 1934

From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius, Born 10 B.C., Murdered and Deified A.D. 54:
Considered an idiot because of his physical infirmities, Claudius survived the intrigues and poisonings of the reigns of Augustus, Tiberius, and the Mad Caligula to become emperor in 41 A.D. Historical novel set in 1st-century-AD Rome by Robert Graves, published in 1934. The book is written as an autobiographical memoir by Roman emperor Claudius. Physically weak, afflicted with stammering, and inclined to drool, Claudius is an embarrassment to his family and is shunted to the background of imperial affairs. The benefits of his seeming ineffectuality are twofold: he becomes a scholar and historian, and he is spared the worst cruelties inflicted on the imperial family by its own members during the reigns of Augustus, Tiberius, and Caligula. Palace intrigues and murders surround him. Claudius’ informal narration serves to emphasize the banality of the imperial family’s endless greed and lust. The story concludes with Claudius ascending to the imperial throne. A sequel, Claudius, the God and His Wife Messalina (1935), covers Claudius’ years as Roman emperor.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

Right, let’s finally review this. It’s about time, too.

Hey, do you like Romans? Do you like dirtbags? Do you like scandals and pointless cruelty? Then I assure you ‘I, Claudius’ is your kind of book! Wait, don’t leave, it’s not a bad thing. I really, really like it. Right, so maybe I should start from the beginning as opposed to… starting from the end? I don’t know, don’t imagine I know what I’m talking about.

Where was I again? Yeah, writing. As with many a book about ancient Rome or the likes, this book is written like an ancient document. Now, if you’re already used to ancient texts – if you’ve read enough Cicero and Virgil and Seneca that you know the style, this is a treat. It’s done very convincingly, too . Telling the story of Claudius’ life from birth to the day he becomes emperor makes it absolutely necessary to tell in this way, as ancient texts have a way of cramming stunning amounts of information into a book (don’t believe me? Take a look at Homer’s catalogue of ships… right, so don’t do that, it’s not very action packed). I personally love this for the writing style and if you, like me, like a bit of ancient Greek or Roman text, you’re going to love it just as much. That said, it might feel a bit heavy if you’re not used to it, not going to lie. I know I found ‘Sinuhe the Egyptian’ (a book written this same way) rather heavy when I read, and that’s probably because I wasn’t as used to ancient texts (I read them all the friggin’ time now). Keep this in mind and if you’re not used to ancient texts, don’t judge Graves on this.

As for characters, we already know ‘em all. If you don’t know Claudius too well, at least you know his… eh, very special nephew Caligula (you may already know him as ‘that emperor who made his horse a consul’), emperor Augustus, maybe even his wife Livia, and all of their messed up, crazy family, including poor Claudius himself. These are the characters we’re introduced to and while not entirely historically accurate, (I think the source for many stories is Suetonus and he… well, he probably isn’t the best source…) it’s a very interesting, very charming cast of characters. If you’re already interested in Roman emperors and their f**ked up lives, this is a brilliant way to be introduced to them all. They’re brilliantly portrayed and I’m sure they were even more brilliant people in real life.

Plot… you know, this plot has been known for 2000 years so… yeah, how could I criticise it without being a dick? It’s a great plot, plotted by the master of plots: History. Or by Suetonus, but whatever. Suetonus’ stories, I’m sure, are great fun to include, so I’ll just comment on the fun little details Graves adds. Stuff like adding a reason for Ovid being banished and probably tons of other things that I didn’t catch because I’m not actually that clever.

To sum up: This is a great book. If you’re interested in Roman history, definitely give it a shot (beware of stuff based on ancient sources, but enjoy it). It’s well worth a read and I’m definitely looking forward to the second book and to the TV-series based on it.

Also, this is a positive review – that’s why it sucks cherries.

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke – I Fail

Week 11 and I fail. How much do I fail? Enough that we’re actually in week 12 and I’ve decided to give up on a book and I’m dragging my way through the next. I decided not to finish Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell as it’s not humanly possible (for me) to do it within a week. Here is a short description of why (this is not a full review and the rating only reflects how I’m not able to finish it).

Title: Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
By: Susanna Clarke
Pages: 769
Published by Gyldendal, 2005
First published 2005

Centuries ago, when magic still existed in England, the greatest magician of them all was the Raven King. A human child brought up by fairies, the Raven King blended fairy wisdom and human reason to create English magic. Now, at the beginning of the nineteenth century, he is barely more than a legend, and England, with its mad King and its dashing poets, no longer believes in practical magic.

Then the reclusive Mr Norrell of Hurtfew Abbey appears and causes the statues of York Cathedral to speak and move. News spreads of the return of magic to England and, persuaded that he must help the government in the war against Napoleon, Mr Norrell goes to London. There he meets a brilliant young magician and takes him as a pupil. Jonathan Strange is charming, rich and arrogant. Together, they dazzle the country with their feats.

But the partnership soon turns to rivalry. Mr Norrell has never conquered his lifelong habits of secrecy, while Strange will always be attracted to the wildest, most perilous magic. He becomes fascinated by the shadowy figure of the Raven King, and his heedless pursuit of long-forgotten magic threatens, not only his partnership with Norrell, but everything that he holds dear.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (it was okay)

Nope, can’t do it. I won’t be able to finish this within any foreseeable future. There are many reasons for this but mainly, I think, it’s because the story doesn’t draw me in as much as I’d like.

I want to like this – I know it’s supposed to be brilliant and as far as writing, characters, and plot are concerned, it’s not a disappointment – I just can’t finish it. The rating of two start reflect my inability to finish it. I read about halfway through and I just don’t feel that urge to press on. The plot, while good, just isn’t very interesting to me. There is a lot of story going on and a lot of plot lines and I can’t help but feeling that while these stories are okay, this could have been much shorter (though, take that with a grain of salt – I haven’t actually finished it).

Really, this is not a bad book, this even had moments where I almost felt compelled to read on and on and the book is very funny in a dry, ironic sort of way, but I just couldn’t finish and so far – no, I’m not going to finish this. It’s going to go on my list for next year (the half that I haven’t read, at least) and I’ll see if I’ll be able to kill it by then.

I’m really disappointed in myself (I finished Marked but I couldn’t finish this, which was supposed to be brilliant? Stupid me) but alas – what can I do? I’m going to be way behind schedule and I have some books of 4-500 pages ahead of me. Sorry, guys. And sorry to my own perfectionism which is going to beat me with a stick.

Bad Book Bonus #1 – Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

Bad Book Bonus is mostly a bonus for me (and those who like swear words and Caps Lock and childish behaviour). When I’m ahead with my list, I like to read stupid little books that are Very Bad and write seething reviews that truly display what a terrible human being I am. This first Bad Book Bonus is Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick and… sigh, I’m not even sure I’d call this a bonus. Let’s take a look at it.

Title: Hush, Hush – Forelsket i en engel
Original title: Hush, Hush
By: Becca Fitzpatrick
Pages: 318
Published by Tellerup, 2011
First published 2009

For Nora Grey, romance was not part of the plan. She’s never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how much her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her…until Patch comes along.
With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Nora is drawn to him against her better judgment, but after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora’s not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is, and to know more about her than her closest friends. She can’t decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is far more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For Nora is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen – and when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost her life.

***

Rating on Goodreads:

Third time’s the charm. At least I hope so with this review (This is the third time I’m beginning… though, strictly speaking, this was added when I edited so this is 3.5^th time and I guess it’s the charm or something or other… wow, this is so… mindfucky). Thing is – I knew this was going to be bad but I didn’t know in what way it was going to be bad. I’m not even amused. Marked was a lot of fun to read – it’s bad beyond all reason so you expect nothing. This, however. What the fuck was she thinking?

We start out with okay writing. That was a bit disappointing, seeing as I was hoping for something worse but yeah, I actually liked it (though unwillingly). Fitzpatrick is hopeless at similes though (they’re really awkward – she’d do well to stick with more obvious similes or just avoid them all together), and she should just not try to write any kind of action or suspense, ever. She has this habit of putting the action to a screeching halt to analyse the situation logically and that just kills suspense stone dead (basically it’s like if I put a halt to this review to get all meta about how many times I’ve rewritten this review). Leave logic out of your suspense, lady – suspense is not about logic but emotion, most specifically fear – and fear is not logical. Other than that, yeah, you know, it’s okay.

The plot’s where everything goes to Stupid City. Fitzpatrick is trying so desperately to create a mystery with several plot threads and then to tie them together in the end and it just fails. She introduces a character that seems nice enough and then very, very suddenly *youdonotseeitsheisaninja* she turns him bad and the rest of the book is basically Fitzpatrick manically yelling: ‘HE’S THE BAD GAAAI! HIM, OVER THAAAR! HE’S EVUUUL!’ by the time you get to the reveal of the real bad guy, you’re both deaf (metaphorically deaf, then, shut up) and bored out of your mind. Who cares about the reveal? The plot is a mess and it basically comes down to different people wanting to kill the main character for different reasons (very bad reasons, mind, I mean, she’s not Bella Swan level annoying… for the first few chapters of the book). The plots don’t tie well together and it just doesn’t work. Fitzpatrick is not good at suspense or subtlety and that, my dear friends (cue people throwing stuff at me, no, you’re not my friends, but shut up, I like to pretend), is why this woman should absolutely stay away from mystery in her writing.

What really makes me angry about this book though is something different, and it’s not a good kind of angry I’m afraid. The good angry is giddy and childish and Caps Locked and lolcatted and this kind of anger just isn’t. I’m just sitting here, thinking of every swear word I can think up and they don’t cut it. I can about sum it up like this: What.

What is this woman thinking? Is this what this Twilight-craze has come to? Absolute, utter insanity?
As a writer of romance, your job is to make your reader fall in love with the character along with your main character. Now, feeling attraction towards this character, sheesh, no biggie – she actually does sexual tension pretty well, but am I in love with Mr. Moody? (Not Mad Eye, sheesh, you think he’d be the love interest in a paranormal romance? The change would be nice, but no, sorry) The answer to whether or not this character is one to fall in love with, is, of course, a whopping: Fuck no!

I’m going to spoil kind of parts of the ending (though, not much to spoil seeing as Fitzpatrick is just as subtle as a kick to the groin) – this guy wanted to kill her. He wanted to throw her off a rollercoaster and later he considered stabbing her and sure, he didn’t because he was so in wuv with her, but does that really excuse everything? He regrets and it’s twu wuv but take a look, deep down inside, consider the implications of what I’m saying here: He. Wanted. To. Kill. Her.
Kill. Her. He wasn’t just compelled by some vampiric desire to drink her blood like a certain mister Sparkly Pants, he wanted to kill her (spoiler) for his own sake.
He wanted to kill her.
Now, say I was a smoking hot guy and I told you: “I ameth so in love with thee! I had plannedth to kill thee, but I couldst not do it!” (right, so my Shakespearean English is a bit rusty and I’m exaggerating and shut up). Would you forgive me? If anyone said that to me, I sure as flippin’ hell wouldn’t. There are three things you need to do when someone casually tells you: “I wanted to kill you” they are not: swoon, moan and make out. More like: run, yell, call the police.
This is despicable. This is horrifying. I don’t care that her ‘instincts’ tell her he won’t kill her. This is what you want teenagers to live their life by, Fitzpatrick? Really? This is despicable even for young adult paranormal romance. It makes Stephenie Meyer look sane (see what I did there? Hyperbole!) and it makes me cringe. In spite of the hopeless plot, this isn’t even that terrible, but with the message you’re sending to young girls… it is unforgivable.

[Edited for language 27/5-2012]

The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien

Week 7 – I finished this book last weekend so I’ve been ahead for quite a while, so much so that I’ve read a book that wasn’t on my list during this week! Please bear in mind that this review is positive and thus not very well-written – it’s just the way it works for me, I think. Right, let’s dive into Tolkien’s Hobbit!

Title: The Hobbit
By: J. R. R. Tolkien
Pages: 277
Published by Harper Collins, 2011, London
First published 1937

Bilbo Baggins is a hobbit who enjoys a comfortable, unambitious life, rarely travelling any further than his pantry or his cellar. But his contentment is disturbed when the wizard, Gandalf, and a company of dwarves arrive on his doorstep one day to whisk him away on an adventure. They have a plot to raid the treasure hoard guarded by Smaug the Magnificent, a large and very dangerous dragon. Bilbo is most reluctant to take part in this quest but he surprises even himself by his resourcefulness and his skill as a burglar!

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

I once tried to labour my way through The Lord of the Rings and those books don’t do much for me. I’ve always respected J. R. R. Tolkien all the same, and having read this I feel like my respect is more than well-founded.

I absolutely love it. It’s like reading a fairytale or, even better, having a fairytale read to you. The narrator is a large part of the story and it works to the book’s advantage.

As to writing, the description is less heavy than it is in the Lord of the Rings. There is some of it, but not several pages, and though it did distract me from the story at times, I also found that it set the tone nicely. Some places, the descriptions really worked, other times they didn’t.

I probably enjoyed the first half of the book more than the second. The first part was fairytale-like in its style and it felt like the characters were moving through fairytale quests. I liked the different places and people, traditions and stories, but in a novel by Tolkien, that’s hardly anything new.

If you, like me, aren’t too good at the Lord of the Rings – not because it’s necessarily bad but because it’s heavy – the Hobbit is definitely worth a try. It’s very Tolkien-y, but also sweet, set in the nicest setting and it’s much easier to read than Lord of the Rings. This is a must-read.

The Colour of Magic by Terry Pratchett

Week 6 and I’m very much ahead of schedule – I finished this book yesterday and I’m almost halfway through the Hobbit – yay for easter holiday! But without further ado, let’s dive into my review of Terry Pratchett’s ‘The Colour of Magic’.

Title: The Colour of Magic
By: Terry Pratchett
Pages: 285
Published by Corgi, 1998, London
First published 1983

On a world supported on the back of a giant turtle (sex unknown), a gleeful, explosive, wickedly eccentric expedition sets out. There’s an avaricious but inept wizard, a naive tourist whose luggage moves on hundreds of dear little legs, dragons who only exist if you believe in them, and of course THE EDGE of the planet…

***

Rating on Goodreads: (liked it)

Even before I read a review saying sir Terry Pratchett is ‘the Douglas Adams of fantasy’, that’s what I started calling him in my head. We like a bit of Douglas Adamsy writing, right?

First things first: I sort of expected one story, one plot, one quest or something of the sorts, but this book is actually, if I’m not mistaken, a collection of shorter stories that all have the same main characters and which happen in order. It’s not a bad thing – it just took me by surprise when I read it and it somehow muddled up my reading experience a bit because I read it as one thing while it was another.

Enough of that, this world is incredible. Terry Pratchett has an imagination that’s practically as twisted as Douglas Adams’ – he comes up with the most incredible people, the most crazy situations, the weirdest magical beings and artifacts and this book left me sorry that I didn’t think of these ideas myself. They’re magnificent. If anyone knows where I can buy an imagination like this, let me know!

What I see most people commenting on is how funny the book is. As is often said as well, it’s not ha-ha-rolling-on-the-floor-laughing funny, but it made me smile and I often say that’s a rare and precious thing in litterature.  It is, we don’t necessarily need a reason to laugh out loud at books, but an involuntary smile here and there, I think, is very precious indeed.

Really, the writing, the humour, and the characters did most for me during the reading of this. The writing is highly engaging, twisting and turning and all over the places – the descriptions are vivid and unique, the humour I’ve already applauded and the characters are really good fun. There isn’t a fantasy clichée that Pratchett hasn’t turned into something funny and original and this he did in the 80s. Right now, imagine me looking sternly over me glasses at all fantasy writers because they’re using the clichées Pratchett made fun of in the 80s.

It is with some regret and shame I say that because of the different storylines I had some trouble following the plot. I know that’s mostly because I was expecting a different sort of story and because this isn’t your typical fantasy story. Letting your attention slip while reading this is not recommeneded. Unfortunately, it put me off the story a bit, and if I didn’t know that his books are very much loved by a lot of people, it might have discouraged me enough to give up on the whole story. For now, I’m telling myself that I’m just not smart enough to enjoy this fully.

With all this said, this is a nice book and I like it. It’s a quick read, it’s funny and with funny characters and though it’s a bit confusing, I blame that on my lacking attention span. Give it a shot if you feel like fantasy always makes you cry and roar instead of giggling to yourself.