Betrayed by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast

Week 21‘s book is the polar opposite of 20′s. Really. I went from one of the best books I’ve ever read to one of the worst. Of course, this means I got to have fun while still giddy from reading something brilliant. It only makes this book pale even more… there’s no image this week – I’m with my parents and it makes photographs harder to do. When I get home, I’ll insert photos to posts that have odd fonts or the likes.

[NO PICTURE YET]

Title: Forrådt – Nattens hus #2
By: P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Pages: 305
Published by Tellerup, 2010
First published 2007

Fledgling vampyre Zoey Redbird has managed to settle in at the House of Night.  She’s come to terms with the vast powers the vampyre goddess, Nyx, has given her, and is getting a handle on being the new Leader of the Dark Daughters. Best of all, Zoey finally feels like she belongs–like she really fits in. She actually has a boyfriend…or two. Then the unthinkable happens: Human teenagers are being killed, and all the evidence points to the House of Night. While danger stalks the humans from Zoey’s old life, she begins to realize that the very powers that make her so unique might also threaten those she loves. Then, when she needs her new friends the most, death strikes the House of Night, and Zoey must find the courage to face a betrayal that could break her heart, her soul, and jeopardize the very fabric of her world.

***

Rating on Goodreads:  (didn’t like it)

First things first (unrelated to the book): I’m thinking about dividing my reviews differently – I’m going to look at plot, setting, and characters and together they’ll say how well the book and the writing works to me. I think this makes more sense than the old format (writing, characters, plot). So, let’s just have a stab at this. Literally. Let’s stab the book.

No, I’m kidding. I’d never stab a book. Regardless of how bad it is, regardless of the pain it inflicts on me as I continually bang my head on whatever object is nearby while reading (I’ve learned not to read next to sharp objects and fire, so that leaves just the walls). No, I’m not a fan of violating books and neither should you be. No, you shouldn’t burn Twilight or Marked or even this book. It’s a waste of fun. Read them. Read them and weep and laugh and write stupid reviews like this if you’re a bitch like me.

I sure as frick is a bitch like me and I feel like it’s with good reason. I mean, holy mahogany – I didn’t expect this to better than the first, hardly, but worse? How Casts? How do you do it? I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but the Casts … they just aren’t. Even Stephenie Meyer can put together a sentence that works. Even she managed to create characters that even the haters enjoyed. Even Tommy Wiseau manages to get out of bed and make someone laugh. Even I manage to shake hands with a stranger while I’d rather huddle up in a corner with a bad book. So, how is it possible that this is even worse than the first?

This… this isn’t even funny. It’s depressing. Say I present to you a book about a character. She is well loved by everybody, but in secret she likes to drink blood and she is cheating on her boyfriend with two different guys. If you were presuming I’m presenting an anti-hero you’d be wrong. She’s the straight up hero. I’m supposed to sympathise with this piece of… bad character. I’m supposed to root for her. I’d rather root for Scarlett O’Hara and she’s supposed to be a bitch. I’d rather root for an eggplant in a cape and goggles… actually, Eggplant Man has merit as a superhero. Zoey Redbird has nothing. Friggin’ NOTHING.

Right, I’m getting ahead of myself here – I didn’t bash the world building too thoroughly for the first book, so let me do it this time around: it’s stupid. The only real thought the Casts have given the world building for this series is ‘it’s like the real world, but with vampires!’ Oh, I’m sorry – vampyres. The only good thing about reading the (still) awful Danish translation is the fact that I avoid looking at that.
Point is – there’s not really any kind of world building. What little there is, is confusing and inconsistent. The best writers and poets and so forth are vampyres in this world (*shudder* oh my god, can I just not use that word? It’s grating) and some people don’t like them and stuff because they… drink blood. Though, not really, they have blood banks and stuff so they don’t have to drink blood from humans and some religious nuts don’t like them and they have power over the four elements (whut?) and I’m sure there’s no consistency whatsoever in this universe. It’s all off-hand remarks about the world when they feel like it fits in: ‘so I ran oh, and by the way, vampyres run really, really fast so I ran very fast’ well thank you, but maybe you should’ve mentioned this before? Asspull much? Also, the religious people are needlessly offensive. Not all religious people are crazy and all OMG VAMPYRES ARE EVUL AND EVEWYFING IS BAD UNLESS IT’S SUMFIN’ TO DO WIF GOD. I’m not religious myself, but I feel insulted by the way religion is portrayed in this. It’s rude and unnecessary because it adds nothing to the story except more reasons for POOR ZOEY to angst a lot. Barf.

But pretty much the biggest bummer of all this hailstorm of suck is the fact that I cannot, even for a second, be allowed to forget how AMAYYYZING AND SPECHUL Zoey Redbird is. All she does is complain that she’s not normal – BOOHOO YOU SPECHUL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE – and her friends keep telling her how speschul she is and when her friends aren’t telling her how spechul she is, everyone else is. Except for the EVUL people – they don’t like her. Guess I’m evil. Fancy that.
Look, I don’t mind chosen ones. They can actually work – Harry Potter works, and there are lots of other examples (can’t think of any but shut up, there are lots), but they don’t, don’t, DON’T work when all the world revolves around them. Nothing in this book happens that doesn’t have something to do with Zoey. Nothing at all. Every single character revolves around her. Everything. EVERYONE. OHMYGOD, IT’S A CONSPIRACY. The Greek names… they’re in on it, I SWEEEEAR.

SPOILER TIME! DING DA DING DA DIIING.
Right, so, Zoey starts flirting with a teacher (bit squick, though, you know, I have had crushes on teachers… though, they never flirted with me, or touched me… right, so squick anyway) and has weird, bloody semi-sex with her ex-boyfriend (the bloody is LITERAL, not a swear word… SQUICK, gotta say I was pretty disturbed by that scene – making out while drinking the guy’s blood was… disgusting, thanks for that image, Casts) and when she admits to her boyfriend that she still has a crush on her ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t break up with her or just smack her around. Just a bit.. He makes out with her – ‘oh, we’ll figure this out my spechul snowflakey. I still wuv you’. BARF. Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.  (Not saying guys should beat their girlfriends when they cheat on them – they should break up with the stupid little things and preserve their self respect – you’re worth more than that, guys).

Zoey Redbird isn’t though, the self-righteous…

[Censored]

… and when her best friend dies, everyone is absolutely sure to take care of POOR ZOEY WHO LOST HER BEST FRIEND. All her friends are there to comfort her, because obviously the girl was their friend too and they don’t need to mourn as much as POOR LITTLE SPECHUL ZOEY. You friggin’…

[Censored]

All in all, this book sucks. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. This is in so many ways the exact opposite of everything that makes a good book (read: the exact opposite of the Final Empire). Shallow characters whose only purpose is to praise the main character (or be super duper EVUL), a plot revolving entirely around the main character… and a main character who is completely unbearable. Couple that with an unbearable narrative. This character has the attention span of a 13-year old kid in a candy store with fifty flat screens showing fifty different cartoons. She comments on irrelevant things during ”action” scenes (in the widest sense possible) and wonders about stupid things while supposedly grieving her best friend.

I am totally over the Greek names thing, though… *smashes lamp* … well, now I am.

Bad Book Bonus #2 – Beautiful Dead – Jonas by Eden Maguire

The Bad Book Bonus goes on. I guess you could say I’m sort of biased when I pick up a book and decide it’s going to be part of BBB, but what can I do? I try to give these suckers a chance and in return, all they give me is a headache. Ow.

Title: Beautiful Dead – Jonas
By: Eden Maguire
Pages: 277
Published by Politiken, 2011
First published 2009

Something strange is happening in Ellerton High. Phoenix is the fourth teenager to die within a year. His street fight stabbing follows the deaths of Jonas, Summer and Arizona in equally strange and sudden circumstances.
Rumours of ghosts and strange happenings rip through the small community as it comes to terms with shock and loss. Darina,Phoenix’s grief-stricken girlfriend, is on the verge. She can’t escape her intense heartache, or the impossible apparitions of those that are meant to be dead. And all the while the sound of beating wings echo inside her head! And then one day Phoenix appears to Darina.
Ecstatic to be reunited, he tells her about the Beautiful Dead. Souls in limbo, they have been chosen to return to the world to set right a wrong linked to their deaths and bring about justice. Beautiful, superhuman and powerful, they are marked by a ‘death mark’ – a small tattoo of angel’s wings. Phoenix tells her that the sound of invisible wings beating are the millions of souls in limbo, desperate to return to earth.Darina’s mission is clear: she must help Jonas, Summer, Arizona, and impossibly, her beloved Phoenix, right the wrong linked to their deaths to set them free from limbo so that they can finally rest in peace. Will love conquer death? And if it does, can Darina set it free?

***

Rating on Goodreads:

I don’t do lying. If something is good, I promise I’m going to tell y’all. I acknowledged that Hush, Hush had tolerable prose and did sexual tension well. In this case I’ll admit the idea is bloody brilliant. If this story had been handled differently… ye gaaads! It would have been awesome. It could’ve been potent and deep and relevant. A perfect book combining crime, romance and the paranormal. A brilliant tale of love and loss and moving on and… gawrsh, I get all tingly just thinking about it.

So… why is it not good? Sit tight for the next 1,5 pages and you’ll find out! Here we go.
Let’s look at writing first and I’ll tell you I’m not impressed. This woman does not know what ‘show – don’t tell’ means. I guess she believes it’s the slogan of a football team or something, ‘cause she sure as hell doesn’t  use it in her writing. It’s all “I was very sad because my boyfriend died” and “he loved med very much” and that’s great and all, but you really got to show me. Because Maguire just tells the reader what’s going on inside the characters’ heads (even characters whose thoughts she couldn’t possibly know BECAUSE SHE HAS A FIRST PERSON NARRATOR) I don’t feel anything for them. At all. And this is supposed to be about love and mourning and loss and if I don’t feel anything reading a book about dead teenagers, you’re a Very Bad Writer™. I guess it IS a very special kind of achievement. Making someone not care about the death of four teenagers… that’s, wow, that’s really impressive. But sad.

[UNREASONABLE, CHILDISH, UNRELATED BIT - if already angry, skip:
Another thing is just a weird choice of words in two places or something (this is nitpicky, but fun, so bear with me). I’ll give you a sentence and you tell me what you’re thinking:
“He took my head in his hands.”
Are you laughing? Because I am. I know what she means, see, but I also have this image of zombie Joe tearing of Boring Sue’s head and subsequently using it as a bowling ball. Not that that sentence would work in any book but when it’s actually about zombies, that’s just hilarious.]

Maybe it’d be easier to sympathise with the tragedy if Ellerton wasn’t the City of People with No Personalities. The characters are so bland, so boring, so stereotyped and trite. There isn’t a single character that stands out to the reader. Their looks are described but at the last period of a description you forget what you’ve just read. The main character is a no one, literally only described by being in love with her boyfriend and there’s some shit about her not liking to give hugs… which is never shown in any way (okay, so it’s told something like: “I don’t usually like to hug people, but now I made an exception” that’s like me saying: “I never eat raw onions, but now I’m eating a sandwich with onions because that last sentence was just stupid filler and an attempt at characterisation which failed BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT CHARACTERISATION IS AND MY BRAIN IS AN OTTER”). Her stupid boyfriend is described by being extremely hot (it’s not like I’ve heard that one befo- OH WAIT) and very nice. Guess they are a perfect match, though, because they’re both boring as a cardboard box with a face painted on it. And even the thought of such a box makes me giggle. If the face is funny.
Speaking about the main character… is it a trend to have a TERRIBLEEEH stepfather of TERRIBLEEHNESS who’s terrible for no  reason whatsoever? Her stepfather is so horrible… not because he beats her, not because he screws her mother’s sister and forces Darina (I actually forgot her name for a second there, fancy that) to shower with a hairless cat as a sort of weird fetish thing, but because he’s boring… really now? He’s boring and thus you can’t get along with him? He actually stands up for you when someone’s almost physically abused you? But he did it all wrong and stuff anyway? WHAT THE FRICK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I’m not saying some stepfathers aren’t sent from hell, but this guy isn’t. You’re just being difficult to be difficult. You were used to a father who cheated on your mother and this guy is obviously too boring to cheat on her? You should be happy, you little skank. Not moaning that he’s just so boring. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND WASN’T A ZOMBIE HE’D BE MORE BORING THAN YOUR STEPFATHER.

Oh, I guess that kind of leads up to the plot, right? I already said that this idea is brilliant. I absolutely love the premise, because I do like crime stories and I do like crime stories with supernatural elements and I do like crime stories with supernatural elements with romance. I like zombies, too, and I could’ve even lived with the Stephenie Meyeresque reinvention of zombies if this book had been any good. It’s not. And one thing is the fact that a book like Marked (Twilight is so last year – bashing Marked is the new black) is friggin’ horrible, but it doesn’t have any potential like this does. This could’ve been so good and she just wasted it on a blatant Twilight knock off. That hurts, Maguire, it hurts.
Because I’m telling you: if you want to handle subjects like death and loss, you BETTER be talented enough. You BETTER not turn the whole thing into a romantic plot tumour. You BETTER deal with the subject in a way that’s emotional and respectful and intelligent and thoughtful. This is not to be taken lightly. This is not just stupid f**king vampires. This… this… this is so insulting. There are some subjects you shouldn’t tackle without either having experienced it first hand or doing so much research, your eyes pop out and scream “No more! No more! We get it! You understand loss now, just GIMME A BREAAAK!” That’s stuff like death and mourning, drug abuse, rape, child or domestic abuse, serious illness, and serious crime. That is your responsibility as a writer. If you write for serious, you do the f**king research or terrible people like me have a good reason to bitch slap you.
Turning it into a love story between a bland girl and a BUUUTIFULZ zombie is so insulting. Screw vampire stories – they’re harmless, maybe because their deaths usually aren’t so recent as the zombies’ deaths. I can live with vampires and angels and even werewolves but this is just disturbing on so many levels. I know I said instant awesome = add zombies, but I wasn’t talking about a love story, and I wasn’t talking about books dealing with subjects as serious as this.

There are lots of things I won’t elaborate on: the stupid names (Phoenix? How can I take that seriously?), the ugliness of making out with a dead boy, how two dimensional the bad guy is, how boring the ‘mystery’ is (four teenagers have died and that’s supposed to be coincidence or what? Really?)… there are so many aspects of this that makes it terrible. And it’s so much sadder than many of those bad young adult books because this had actual potential for a good plot.

*Deep breath* Dang.

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

Week 15 is… quite a while ago and thus it’s also quite a while since I read Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. This is not really a review of it, since I don’t feel entitled to review great classics like this. So here guys: have a ramble on Jane Austen’s awesomeness.

Title: Sense and Sensibility
By: Jane Austen
Pages: 462
Published by Collector’s Library
First published 1811

Sense and Sensibility, the first of Jane Austen’s major novels, is a portrait of two very different sisters, Elinor and Marianne Dashwood. Elinor is practical and disciplined, Marianne Capricious and emotional, yet they share a troubled and impoverished family background, and both must struggle to achieve the happiness they deserve. Ranged against them are the forces of a society where men and masculinity predominate; Elinor and Marianne have to balance their emotional needs against the harsh financial realities of the world at large. Sense and Sensibility is a chronicle of romantic misfortunes, narrated with irony and a sharp eye for hypocrisy. A powerful drama of family life and growing up, the novel is at once a subtle comedy of manners and a striking critique of early-ninteenth-century society.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (really liked it)

If I had to describe Jane Austen shortly as I see her, I’d call her an ideal writer. One of my favourite things in a story is a great cast of characters and Austen’s are always unforgettable. Who could ever forget Mr. Collins or Miss Bates or Lydia Bennet? All characters are well-defined and well-rounded. You can hear their voices as clearly as if they were in the room with you.

It’s no wonder that Jane Austen is a classic. Repeatedly, married women with children completely fail to establish romances that are as convincing as Austen’s – and she remained unmarried and a virgin her entire life. No, I’m not talking about Stephenie Meyer, why would you even think that would be the case?

Jokes at Meyer’s expense aside, there is a tendency to misinterpret Austen’s meaning what with Twilight claiming to be (at least partially) based on Pride and Prejudice. It cannot be stressed enough that Austen would not approve of most of Young Adult paranormal romance literature these days – I am certain she would not. What little I’ve read of it, I know there’s a tendency to admire passion over close friendship and equality in character. I’m not just talking about Twilight, but a book such as Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick, which is all about this insane passion that even goes against all reason.

This takes me back to the book at hand, Sense and Sensibility, and wouldn’t you know it – it’s right there in the friggin’ title. It’s in the book’s plot. Be warned: there will be spoilers in a bit.

As is probably known to all, this is a story of two sisters: Elinor is sensible and calm, while Marianne is romantic and emotional. Elinor suffers the loss of a lover while in the end, Marianne almost puts her own life at risk. Guess who’s the more sensible of the two? Yeah, you guessed it. Austen knew it’s not reasonable to put your life at stake over a man. She knew life will go on regardless of a broken heart. She knew what nobody seems to know these days. Ironically, Austen’s books are a better life lesson for girls, and they were written at a time when women weren’t allowed to get an education or to vote and they were thought inferior to men. Take away the whole ‘you need to marry or you’re nothing’ and the message at it’s core is: Life goes one. It’s never worth throwing your life away for some man. Even if Elinor hadn’t gotten her man in the end, she have, in time, have gotten over it.
That’s not unromantic or anything – it’s healthy.

Guys, stop reading Hush, Hush, and Twilight and other such books and go for Jane Austen. Fill in a message that fits our time period better and you have not only a most entertaining read with a cast of great characters, sizzling wit, biting irony and a good story – you also have a message that makes most young adult literature look like soft core porn with a plot deficiency.

Abarat by Clive Barker

Week 12 and I kind of fail again. I have read this but I should have finished last week. But well, here it is – my review of Abarat of Clive Barker. Ready to find me completely freaked out? Oh, you better be.

Title: Abarat
By: Clive Barker
Pages: 438
Published by Lindhart og Ringhof, 2003,
First published 2002

Candy Quackenbush is a troubled yet good-natured Minnesotan girl, but when she ventures into an empty field one day and meets John Mischief, a creature with seven extra talking heads on his antlers, she’s rendered awestruck and knows she’s bound for a heap of adventure. Soon the two are narrowly escaping a dark hunter sent by the evil Lord Carrion and diving into the Sea of Izabella, a vast ocean containing 25 islands that stand for each hour of the day, plus a mystical Twenty-Fifth Hour. As Candy embarks on her adventure throughout this mind-bending archipelago, she visits the average citizens of Yebba Dim Day, joins a clan of tarrie-cats and slothlike Malingo to battle the dastardly Kaspar Wolfswinkel, and even gets a horrific taste of the Twenty-Fifth Hour itself.

***

Rating on Goodreads: (it was okay)

There are some spoilers in this, so if you plan on reading this, maybe you should leave this for now. The spoilers aren’t very big, though, as there aren’t that many big reveals in this. Anyway – on to the review.

Now, I’m not crazy enough to say that any book would ever drag me into a hellish fantasy land and stab me with a sharpened ruler, but if any book were to do it, I guess this would be it. Let me elaborate…

My overall first impression of this book is that it is weird. Just plain odd. First of all, it’s very heavy because of the paper it’s printed on. Second, I thought it was a children’s book and was surprised at how big it is and (later on) how gritty. Third it’s based on a series of paintings by Barker, paintings that are in the book – I guess it’s supposed to improve the reading experience and to give a certain tone to the story. Personally, I just found them to be in the way (and they sort of embarrassed me when I read this on the bus) and also… they’re a bit disturbing. I’m sorry guys they’re just… they’re creepy. They’re beautiful and all but they’re creepy.

Now, to start talking about writing, the book is already described in heavy detail, and I actually enjoyed the prose more than I did the paintings. If the characters weren’t described that much, the pictures would have been cool, but when they’re already so well described, I don’t need them. I already formed pictures of the characters in my head and I liked my versions better (d’uh, everybody knows the only place I’m truly happy is in my own head).

Also, is it just me, or is the book a bit unaware of its audience? It’s a young adult fantasy book with colourful, childlike (though creepy) images, somehow written in the tone of a children’s book and with some very, very dark details (did I mention the pictures are creepy?). The main character is, I think, around thirteen years old (at least I think she’s in the sixth grade) and she has a father who’s an alcoholic and hits her. That’s… really dark. You pick this book up and the paintings are likely to make you think it’s for kids – heck, that’s what I thought. I’m told this is young adult, but other than the rather grisly details, I don’t feel it – both writing and paintings have a childlike feel to them.

It is a very imaginative fantasy worlds with some truly original ideas and a very unique feel to it. I like the ideas in this and I like the descriptions but that’s pretty much what I like. I don’t care too much for the story, because it seems to have no purpose, other than to set up the next book in the series. I know the whole ‘journey to fnarg and saving the world’ is old, but it has some kind of a goal. The main character in this is just sort of being thrown around and meeting different people and seeing stuff and then fleeing from the Big Bad. It’s cool enough to get around the setting, but it does nothing for me. I like the setting but not enough that I want to read the next book in the series. Sorry.

The characters are likeable enough, I will say. They’re mostly weird creatures that are very imaginative, but they don’t have much in the way of personality. The main character is a bland Chosen One-type of character and while I just regretted this is not a typical journeyish story, I would not regret if the main character wasn’t some kind of ‘Chosen One’. I don’t like Chosen Ones. The last book I read with a super spechul Chosen One was friggin’ Marked, and the less said about that travesty, the better. While this main character, Candy, is less annoying than Zoey Redbird, it’s because she’s bland, not because she’s more interesting. The side characters are the most fun – even the villains happen to be quite good fun. Their designs are cool and they have more depth than Candy. Nothing stands out much, though, which is a shame – this fantasy world has a lot of potential.

In the end, what really made me dislike this the most was the – if you ask me – unnecessary grittiness of this. When I’m saying that the fantasy world has potential, I mean that I had a potential to enjoy this, but Barker wouldn’t friggin’ let me. He showed me this amazing world and then he slapped me in the face with gems like a dragon vomiting over a ship as a sort of attack and the Big Bad thinking he’s going to fall in love with the main character who is flipping thirteen. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? This is such a dark, cruel story, and while fantasy worlds aren’t necessarily all light and happy, at least give me something nice to hold on to! I want to experience a beautiful world, not to read about paedophilia and vomiting dragons. It’s like this book is so mean spirited, so needlessly cruel. One second it’s funny animals with ladders for legs (I quite liked that one) and tarrie-cats, the next it was peeing octopodes and dead tarrie-cats and vomiting dragons (and I did not make a word of this up, honest to Austen I didn’t).

I didn’t hate this book; I just didn’t like it all that much. The two stars are for funny descriptions and the ladder-leg-thingy (seriously, how cool was that thing and he only mentioned it once) and an original fantasy world. If there’d been a good story and characters that lived up to the setting, it might have been better. But most of all, I’d like to not be bombarded with vomiting dragons, thank you very much.

I like the ladder legs thingy, though. Did I mention?

5 Amazing Book Titles (That Were Stolen by Terrible Books)

I’m behind schedule. Hard. ‘Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell’ is a mouthful (and a seven hundred-something page mouthful – that’s a lot of book) – couple that with laziness and unexpected illness which I suddenly ran into yesterday and you have it. Behind schedule. I apologise to the god of books, if such a god even exists (and let’s just pretend I’d believe in such a god) and I apologise to my perfectionism, which is quite stubborn, but couldn’t quite fight of whatever the frick was wrong with me yesterday. I’m generous, though, so I decided that I wanted to give you a teeny-weeny article anyway (teeny-weeny = three pages). Let’s do this!

Book titles, an elusive species – they lure you in and make you all curious and gooey. Some of the most brilliant titles hide brilliant content: Pride and Prejudice, A Game of Thrones, Wuthering Heights, The Merchant of Venice, Portal (yes, that’s a video game – your point being…?) Others though… not so much.

I’ve gathered five books with brilliant titles and crappy content. Now, I expect this list will probably expand as I continue my bad book bonuses, but so far this is what I found:

#5 – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

“Louise! Louise!”
“Why, yes, hypothetical curious person?”
“Why is Twilight number five on this list – is it because it’s less sucky than the rest?”
“Nope. Not really. There are actually books on this list that I thought were better than Twilight, but EVERYBODY is bashing Twilight, so I decided to put it number five so as to not spend too much time on it.”
“You don’t really have anyone to talk to, do you?”
“No, I don’t, but that’s what hypothetical curious people are for!!”

The title promises:
Something like the song Twilight by Vanessa Carlton (no relation to the book series, whatsoever) which is a magical piece of music. Something mysterious, dark yet hopeful. Check out the song and tell me that song is not what you feel when you hear the word twilight.

We get:
Oh, you all know what we get – moody teenagers, borderline abusive relationships, lack of plot and characterisation and a very disturbing fourth novel. Twilight isn’t fun to mock anymore – moving on!

#4 – Marked by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast

This is, hands down, probably the worst novel on the list. If you’ve read my review of it, you know how I feel about this, so I won’t go into too much detail (though that would be fun) – I’ll just say that this is the worst, but it’s number four because I’ve already bashed it so thoroughly, I’d be surprised if the Casts didn’t have bad dreams that night.

Because I totally am that bad ass… yes I am, shut up.

The title promises:
Well, I don’t know, but something awesome. At the top of my head, I see a sweeping epic about a young woman who’s been branded in society for sleeping around. Or a super bad ass prison story where all prisoners are marked with this bad ass tattoo and treated like crap. That sounds totally awesome. Can we get someone to write that? It could be all symbolic and shit – something along the lines of both a mark that can be seen and one that cannot, and even though the horrid prison tattoo is gone many years later when Jack White tells the story to his grandchildren, the mark is still there, under his skin…

Crap, I hate this book even more now. Wasted potential for awesome hurts.

We get:
Don’t get me started. Really. I think I made myself clear enough in my review. I’ll just give you a few key words: sucky, poorly written, stupid plot, Mary Sue’s cousin, abuse of ancient Greek names… jsf03w9ut0325r345r90jhdfkj… We basically get the stupidest thing in young adult literature since Stephenie Meyer started hammering on the keyboard – and this somehow managed to surpass Twilight in stupidity. That’s impressive, Casts, but also really, really sad.

#3 – The Secret Crusade by Oliver Bowden

I like Assassin’s Creed. I like books. I should like books based on Assassin’s Creed, and yet, I f**king don’t. Right, so maybe it should have been obvious to me that this would suck. It is a truth universally acknowledged that books/movies based on videogames suck… but I was blinded by awesome, I wanted moooooar!

The title promises:
‘The Secret Crusade’ is one big question – what crusade? And it’s also… quite clever, actually. The book (and first AC game) takes place during the Crusades and this is about a secret crusade going on alongside the not-so-secret Crusades. And that… you know that’s actually kind of clever. I like it. Even not knowing this sort-of-symbolism/punny-thing, the title is cool. Secret is a good word in a title because it makes you curious. ‘There’s a SECRET thing?! I have to know what that secret thing is all about!!!’ At least that’s how I react. I like secrets.

We get:
Copy-pasted dialogue from the game (which is actually cool – the dialogue is probably what made this bearable) and Bowden’s shitty writing. What is that, you say? Character depth and emotion? Ha! Bowden laughs at such notions! No, let’s just… copy-paste stuff and… skip parts and shit. And kill off characters! And be very inelegant about it! And not research the time period or culture it takes place in!

Look, I’m not sure I can write this any more clearly: this book sucks. Screw you, Bowden!

#2 – City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

If you go buy this book these days, it’s recommended by Stephenie Meyer. The quality is kind of what you’d expect based on this info.

The title promises:
Dude, look at that title. Are you thinking about zombies? Because I totally am. Or perhaps an army of skeletons! Or, or – perhaps an army of skeletons fighting an army of zombies for the right to rule the City of Bones! That’s so… I can’t even… that would rock! (Instant awesome – just add zombies!) If they wanted, they could throw in a silly love triangle and I’d still buy it, as long as there were zombies tearing off skeletons’… heads? Skulls!

We get:
Cassandra Clare’s edited Harry Potter fan fiction. I am not flippin’ kidding you. Before she was published, she was known as Cassandra Claire (wow that’s… so imaginative) and then she wrote a very popular Harry Potter fan fiction – the Draco Trilogy. I’m in a generous mood, so I won’t mention the fact that she apparently lifted several sentences from other books, from tv-shows, etc. (oh, look at that, I mentioned it anyway – the irony!) but apparently she decided, when she got published, to just change the names a bit (well, okay, and probably the plot) and publish it as original fiction – that’s what people who read both believe, so who am I to argue? I only read this. On its own, it’s pretty bad, too. It’s not as sucky as Twilight (it has a plot, you see), but it’s not good either, and certainly not worthy of a title that should belong to an epic book about Zombies vs. Skeletons!

#1 – The Expected One by Kathleen McGowan

This is one of the only books I’ve ever not given up on, but flat out refused to finish. Fifty pages before the end, I just slammed it shut and thought: No, screw this. Here’s why…

The title promises:
So, the titles is bit of a cliché, sure, but it’s still cool. The Expected One. It sounds cool and destiny-ish and stuff. On the top of my head, I’m thinking: a civilisation on the border of complete destruction (by zombies) and they’re waiting for the Expected One, and then one day someone turns up and says ‘I’m totally the Expected One’ and everyone believes him, but in the end it turns out he’s really not – the entire society is, and when they finally join forces to kill the zombies and save the world, they realise that they, together, are strong enough and don’t need an Expected One. And there’s this angry guy and a more idealistic guy with some political differences and they have to find common ground to defeat them and show that the people is strong and… I’ve totally written this entire story in my head. Would be so cool.

We get:
A descendant of Mary Magdalene. Leonardo da Vinci as a bad guy (who casts Leonardo as a bad guy?! Leonardo was totally cool – a bit weird, sure, but completely chill and stuff, he drew tanks and flying machines, how was he not cool?). A boring book. And it’s about the Holy Grail and came to light right around the time the Da Vinci Code became popular (yeah, go figure).

Oh, and this is the kicker: even if this book isn’t as bad as, say, Marked, if you look around on the web, you’ll find the author of this book swearing that she, herself, is a descendant of Mary Magdalene. It’s true – she had visions while in Jerusalem and she has definite proof that she’s the descendant. Oh? You want to see this evidence? Well, she won’t show you. Even if the book isn’t so bad (what made me slam it shut was the whole ‘I’m the descendant’ coupled with boredom and Leonardo as a bad guy (you seen him in Assassin’s Creed II? He’s way cool), but it was mostly just ‘meh’) the craziness of the author is really jarring and makes me completely unable to enjoy this thing. You so silly, McGowan…

Bad Book Bonus #1 – Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

Bad Book Bonus is mostly a bonus for me (and those who like swear words and Caps Lock and childish behaviour). When I’m ahead with my list, I like to read stupid little books that are Very Bad and write seething reviews that truly display what a terrible human being I am. This first Bad Book Bonus is Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick and… sigh, I’m not even sure I’d call this a bonus. Let’s take a look at it.

Title: Hush, Hush – Forelsket i en engel
Original title: Hush, Hush
By: Becca Fitzpatrick
Pages: 318
Published by Tellerup, 2011
First published 2009

For Nora Grey, romance was not part of the plan. She’s never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how much her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her…until Patch comes along.
With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Nora is drawn to him against her better judgment, but after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora’s not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is, and to know more about her than her closest friends. She can’t decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is far more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For Nora is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen – and when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost her life.

***

Rating on Goodreads:

Third time’s the charm. At least I hope so with this review (This is the third time I’m beginning… though, strictly speaking, this was added when I edited so this is 3.5^th time and I guess it’s the charm or something or other… wow, this is so… mindfucky). Thing is – I knew this was going to be bad but I didn’t know in what way it was going to be bad. I’m not even amused. Marked was a lot of fun to read – it’s bad beyond all reason so you expect nothing. This, however. What the fuck was she thinking?

We start out with okay writing. That was a bit disappointing, seeing as I was hoping for something worse but yeah, I actually liked it (though unwillingly). Fitzpatrick is hopeless at similes though (they’re really awkward – she’d do well to stick with more obvious similes or just avoid them all together), and she should just not try to write any kind of action or suspense, ever. She has this habit of putting the action to a screeching halt to analyse the situation logically and that just kills suspense stone dead (basically it’s like if I put a halt to this review to get all meta about how many times I’ve rewritten this review). Leave logic out of your suspense, lady – suspense is not about logic but emotion, most specifically fear – and fear is not logical. Other than that, yeah, you know, it’s okay.

The plot’s where everything goes to Stupid City. Fitzpatrick is trying so desperately to create a mystery with several plot threads and then to tie them together in the end and it just fails. She introduces a character that seems nice enough and then very, very suddenly *youdonotseeitsheisaninja* she turns him bad and the rest of the book is basically Fitzpatrick manically yelling: ‘HE’S THE BAD GAAAI! HIM, OVER THAAAR! HE’S EVUUUL!’ by the time you get to the reveal of the real bad guy, you’re both deaf (metaphorically deaf, then, shut up) and bored out of your mind. Who cares about the reveal? The plot is a mess and it basically comes down to different people wanting to kill the main character for different reasons (very bad reasons, mind, I mean, she’s not Bella Swan level annoying… for the first few chapters of the book). The plots don’t tie well together and it just doesn’t work. Fitzpatrick is not good at suspense or subtlety and that, my dear friends (cue people throwing stuff at me, no, you’re not my friends, but shut up, I like to pretend), is why this woman should absolutely stay away from mystery in her writing.

What really makes me angry about this book though is something different, and it’s not a good kind of angry I’m afraid. The good angry is giddy and childish and Caps Locked and lolcatted and this kind of anger just isn’t. I’m just sitting here, thinking of every swear word I can think up and they don’t cut it. I can about sum it up like this: What.

What is this woman thinking? Is this what this Twilight-craze has come to? Absolute, utter insanity?
As a writer of romance, your job is to make your reader fall in love with the character along with your main character. Now, feeling attraction towards this character, sheesh, no biggie – she actually does sexual tension pretty well, but am I in love with Mr. Moody? (Not Mad Eye, sheesh, you think he’d be the love interest in a paranormal romance? The change would be nice, but no, sorry) The answer to whether or not this character is one to fall in love with, is, of course, a whopping: Fuck no!

I’m going to spoil kind of parts of the ending (though, not much to spoil seeing as Fitzpatrick is just as subtle as a kick to the groin) – this guy wanted to kill her. He wanted to throw her off a rollercoaster and later he considered stabbing her and sure, he didn’t because he was so in wuv with her, but does that really excuse everything? He regrets and it’s twu wuv but take a look, deep down inside, consider the implications of what I’m saying here: He. Wanted. To. Kill. Her.
Kill. Her. He wasn’t just compelled by some vampiric desire to drink her blood like a certain mister Sparkly Pants, he wanted to kill her (spoiler) for his own sake.
He wanted to kill her.
Now, say I was a smoking hot guy and I told you: “I ameth so in love with thee! I had plannedth to kill thee, but I couldst not do it!” (right, so my Shakespearean English is a bit rusty and I’m exaggerating and shut up). Would you forgive me? If anyone said that to me, I sure as flippin’ hell wouldn’t. There are three things you need to do when someone casually tells you: “I wanted to kill you” they are not: swoon, moan and make out. More like: run, yell, call the police.
This is despicable. This is horrifying. I don’t care that her ‘instincts’ tell her he won’t kill her. This is what you want teenagers to live their life by, Fitzpatrick? Really? This is despicable even for young adult paranormal romance. It makes Stephenie Meyer look sane (see what I did there? Hyperbole!) and it makes me cringe. In spite of the hopeless plot, this isn’t even that terrible, but with the message you’re sending to young girls… it is unforgivable.

[Edited for language 27/5-2012]

‘Marked’ by P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast

Week 9! I’m ahead of schedule again because I couldn’t put this book down. Why, Louise? Do you like it very much? No, I didn’t, hypothetical curious person. Quite the contrary. But, Louise, why did you keep reading, then? Why, because I’m a massive bitch, of course! And let’s see just how bitchy I can get. Here we go: House of Night #1 – ‘Marked’!

Title: Vampyrens mærke
Original title: Marked
By: P. C. Cast and Kristin Cast
Pages: 268
Published by Tellerup, 2010
First published 2007

The House of Night series is set in a world very much like our own, except in 16-year-old Zoey Redbird’s world, vampyres have always existed.  In this first book in the series, Zoey enters the House of Night, a school where, after having undergone the Change, she will train to become an adult vampire — that is, if she makes it through the Change.  Not all of those who are chosen do.  It’s tough to begin a new life, away from her parents and friends, and on top of that, Zoey finds she is no average fledgling.  She has been Marked as special by the vampyre Goddess, Nyx.  But she is not the only fledgling at the House of Night with special powers.  When she discovers that the leader of the Dark Daughters, the school’s most elite club, is misusing her Goddess-given gifts, Zoey must look deep within herself for the courage to embrace her destiny–with a little help from her new vampyre friends.

***

Rating on Goodreads:

Where do I start? Oh, where to start?

Right now, I’m at my best. I’m loving this. If this book was a pool, I’d be diving in it, relishing the murky, disgusting waters of its writing. If this was a fine champagne, an expensive wine, an aged whisky, I’d be drunk with it and probably dead from alcohol poisoning and it wouldn’t exactly be Champagne, more like cheap beer.
Because it’s so bad. Excuse me while I imitate Gollum: My precioussss! We loves it! It hurtsss usss, but we lovesss it, Preciousss!

*Cough* Right, my never-ending joy at this book aside, let’s start from the beginning. I like to start out reviews by talking about writing.
Well, first of all bear in mind that I read this in the most dreadful Danish translation and if you, like me, enjoy bad books, pick it up in Tellerup’s Danish translation because it really enhances the reading experience. Feel like the dialogue is practically unreadable already? Well, try reading through the Danish translation and marvel at expressions that have never, ever been used by anyone in real life (without bursting with laughter anyway) (for you Danish people out there, my favourite is ’pølsesnak’).
It’s unbearable as it is. The maincharacter has to put the narrative to a halt every two second to tell us how disgusting something is, how bad drugs are or how wrong blowjobs are because it’s exploitation of women (feel like there’s a fourteen year old fan fic writer aboard yet? No? Well, wait and see)…
As for description, at first it felt like the characters were walking around in a vacuum because nothing was described (in these cases, my brain likes to fill in schools, houses etc. from my childhood so this book literally soiled my childhood – okay, not literally but shut up) and then when our ‘protagonist’ (in the widest sense possible) goes to her vampire school (sorry, vampyre school) it all goes ‘BOOM’ and explodes in a hurricane of colours. Everything is described in such a sense as to make the settings look like toystores and the characters like dolls in my head. For similar effect, try reading ‘My Immortal’.
Don’t get me started on the name dropping. I’m getting to the extensive rape of Greek names and mythology later.

Right, so, plot. You know that thing where writers spend some time easing the reader into the setting, the world and the mechanics of the world’s magic so as to make readers give a crap what happens to the characters? The Casts don’t bother. The reader is thrown into the “action” (in the widest sense you can ever imagine) with Zoey becoming a vampyre (fun fact: the Casts really spell it this way in the English version (you can’t do that in Danish without me slapping you in the face so luckily they didn’t try) and nature finds it so offensive that my spell check immediately tried to change it… yes, spell check is nature, shut up) and before that, the only introduction to her we have is her talking to her ‘best (dispensable) friend’ (in the widest sen… oh, who am I kidding?) and we literally only hear her whining and complaining before she is suddenly – bang – marked with the Mark of the vampyres (can we just spell it differently? No? Damn you, Casts…) No build-up, no characterisation, no nothing. If two pages had gone by and Zoey, our main character, had suddenly died violently in a house fire, I wouldn’t give a f**k.
The plot takes place over about five days to a week – no, I am not kidding you, I kept track – and in that time, Zoey manages to get four new bestest friends, becoming the most spechulest student evar and get a smoking hot, shallow boyfriend (did I mention he’s superhot and it’s twue wuv at first sight?)
And yes, that brings us to the big one: Characters and characterisation or, as is the case with this book, lack thereof.

I already told you how our main character Zoey makes Bella Swan look cheery, how she manages to find four besties in a matter of days and same for a boyfriend who’s, liek super duper hot. During the book, you see the story trying to make an attempt at characterising her friends: there are the “twins” who are characterised by their having no personality, there’s the country girl who’s characterised by being a massive, offensive stereotype and the… eh, smart… gay… guy who’s characterised by… being smart… and gay, but totally not a flamboyant gay. The gay guy is smart… because… he uses… difficult words… screw you, Casts! He isn’t smart! He does nothing smart. He just uses words the others don’t know (except the main character – she’s spechul) and bonus points when the words are of ancient Greek origin.
Must. Not. Rant. About. Usage. Of ancient Greek. Names. Yet…
Protagonist!
Zoey Redbird. Zoey Redbird. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:
She’s whiny and annoying, she’s one big, whopping double standard on legs. She’s the Goddess Nyx’ (Greek. Names… *throws vase* MOVING ON!) spechul chosen one, she has super duper spechul powers that are the most powerful ever, her name is ancient Greek for life (*throws tantrum*) and everybody – except the super duper evul Aphrodite (lksajf094u3408t6u03) and her evil, Greek named buddies – just luuuuurves her, because she’s so special. Because at some point, you see, she proves her worth by… by… SHE DOESN’T! All her ‘accomplishments’ are super duper spechul vampyre powers given to her by the goddess whose name I won’t mention as my apartment is already messy as it is. She does nothing on her own account: She stumbles on to solutions or has this spechul ‘intuition’ that tells her what to do.
The first time she meets her boyfriend, they share a look (when they first lock eyes he’s currently in the process of denying a blowjob from Aphrodite – I do not make this shit up) and Zoey just knows they’re MEANT TO BE (notice how the Caps Lock and lolcat speak is accelerating as I get angry? Very interesting) because he, you see, is characterised by being super hot, having ‘Super Man curls’ (not making shit up) and being VERY GEEKY because he can QUOTE STAR WARS (*indistinguishable sobbing and begging*) That’s all they are: She, queen Zoey of Canon Sueiness and he the pretty face and non-geek, because fuck you, he’s not a geek.

Right, so, basically: if I didn’t make it clear enough: Canon Sue goes to Hogw… sorry, House of Night,and meets Edw… sorry, Erik Night, gets four shallow/stereotyped friends, is the favourite of female Dumbl… sorry, Neferet, the high priestess, get’s super spechul elemental powers by the Heart of Kandrakar because Lord Voldemort killed her pare… no, I’m somehow mixing things up. If I am, it’s because this book is like the devil spawn between Twilight and bad Harry Potter fanfiction that’s mated with the later issues of the teen magazine, W.I.T.C.H.
But oh, I’m not done yet, the worst of this is yet to come. I do believe I can sum it up in about eight pages, so do go get yourself a cup of tea and a biscuit – this might take a while…

YOU ARE NOT SMART BECAUSE YOU CAN NAME PLAYS AND CHARACTERS BY SHAKESPEARE! You are not super duper special as a writer, because you know how to look ancient Greek myths up on Wikipedia and name your characters after them and then blatantly state what they mean and why these characters then are super duper evil because they names themselves after the sisters of the Gorgons!! You’re really, really not. You’re not clever because you know what f**king hubris is. You’re not great because you know how to rape several mythologies at the same time by having characters named for Greek mythology attending Samhain having just spoking to Neferet named after after some Egyptian thingy and having the Goddess Nyx be somehow connected to native Indian mythology. You’re not clever and you couldn’t even be bothered to get your shit wrong so that I could correct you and be even happier, now could you?!

My, that was cathartic (see what I did there? I’m super smart because I know a weird word, though not really) and I can only recommend this book if you’re a writer (though if you’re already mentally unstable, probably not) because it is Shitty Writing, Shallow Characters and Name Dropping 101. You read this, you will forever know what NOT to do when writing. You might lose about 80 % of your brain cells in the process of continually banging your head into whatever’s nearby (85 % if you choose the Danish translation) but it’s worth it. What little brain power I have left, I’ll use to not ever write like the Casts.

7.a by Bjarne Reuter

Week 3 and wouldn’t you know it: I’m ahead of schedule again. Aww, yeah! This book’s down and I’m already on page 104 of A Game of Thrones, which I so far like very, very well. But this blog’s not for me gushing about that brilliantly entertaining book, it’s about 7.a, so let’s get to it!

Title: 7.a
By: Bjarne Reuter
Pages: 176
Published by Gyldendal, 1992, Denmark

7.a and their two teachers go to on a trip staying in an old house by the sea. Slowly they realise that there’s a fateful connection between them and a ship that once went missing.

***

Rating on Goodreads:  (It’s okay)

This was very much a mixed blessing for me, I will say. I started out thinking: Right, this is actually good, but as the book progressed I got more and more annoyed with the characters and in the end I didn’t feel like there was any climax – I feel cheated. This should have been good.

At first, I liked it well enough – the writing was somewhat more mature than I expected and that’s always a thumbs up in litterature meant for younger audiences. It assumes that young people have a vocabulary and as far as I’m concerned that’s both true and important to keep in mind. The good didn’t last all the way through, unfortunately.

I didn’t care much for the writing. Reuter favours a lot of short sentences, a lot of leaving out and a lot of… breaks in sentences where it… didn’t seem natural to… me. The dialogue seemed a bit stiff to me as well – I can’t imagine anyone speaking the way they do in this book and especially not children in the seventh grade. All the way through they seemed like tiny adults or high school students to me.

Character wise it’s not boring but not amazing either – I liked them well enough (some of them) and even if the characters by themselves weren’t very convincing, the group dynamics of the children in the class was very believable. You wonder why he made some of the choices that he did, though: Why is a male teacher that’s kind of like a big child and too full of himself necessary? He became my pet peeve throughout the story. This is just my opinion, but he seemed to me to be outrageously annoying at times.

The plot had a lot of potential and yet I still felt let down. There was a certain chill factor to the beginning but it just started to ebb out and with the ending I really wondered why one reviewer on the back of the book calls it a psychological thriller.

I really liked how he used more subtle hints to suggest a link between the teachers plus the children and the story of the ship – it’s beautifully suggested and then he has to go mess it up by stating openly that this connection exists – with all the subtlety of a hammer to the face. This is not necessary! I figured it out early on and so can a younger reader. Let them draw their own conclusions – it’ll only benefit them in the end. Once again: Young people aren’t stupid. Most, at least.

In the end, I don’t love this but I don’t hate it either. I’m obviously not in the target demographic and he does some things well. I still respect Bjarne Reuter as a writer – he’s unavoidable when speaking of Danish litterature and I grew up with some of his stories. Even then, I don’t have to adore everything he’s ever made and while this is an easy and somewhat enjoyable read, it’s not really my thing.

Borrowed Books

Sometimes, I don’t wanna buy books or, more often, I want to but I can’t afford it because I spent my money on a Yogscast T-shirt, Assassin’s Creed comics and cat food. And that’s when the library and kind people come in handy! Sometimes, even kind people at the library.

From the Library I got my hands on 7.a by Bjarne Reuter (left)(Danish book), I’ve already finished it and the review is coming up soon. Woohoo!

To the right: L. Frank Baum’s The Wizard of Oz which I borrowed from my friend. Don’t know how long I’ll hold on to it, ’cause no one knows when I’ll be reading it. Only time – and the draw from my little Twilight Eclipse*-box will tell!

*No, I am not, in fact, a fan of the Twilight saga. Quite the opposite and therefore a friend of mine gave me a little Twilight candy-box with lovely Edward Cullen on the front *le facepalm* when I made little pieces of paper with the numbers of the books on them it seemed so brilliantly obvious to draw them from this little box. Useless fact for ya.